Off the Deep End

Hey, everyone.

I know I mentioned this in my last post (over a month ago), but I suck at updating. I’m going to chalk it up to crazy genes and hope things get better from here on out. In my defense, I’ve been out of the country. Actually, in the past month I’ve been in 14 different states and three countries. So, yeah, I’ve been a busy girl. I just got back from holiday in Mexico and Cuba with Big.

I graduated, so that happened. Got my diploma in the mail yesterday. Officially the holder of a BA – woo! That was a long process, but I feel proud of myself because I stuck through it even though I had several hiccups along the way. I can’t decide if I want to hop straight in for my Master’s or hold off (if I get it at all). I guess it depends on how quickly I can find a full-time job. Speaking of, right after this post (well, maybe after I go get my nails done), I’m going to sit down and find 4-5 positions to apply to. I lose my insurance this autumn when I turn 26, so now the pressure is on. I’m not sure how this new healthcare thing works exactly, but I think if I have a lapse in coverage then my “pre-existing conditions” come into play. And that huge list of conditions they released? I have like seven of them. So I’m in a time crunch now to not have any lapse.

Still seeing Mr. Beetle. Still wary as ever over it. But still crazy over him. Nothing has really changed other than me finally telling him he either needs to get his shit together or let me go. Will stay updated on developments.

Started the low-carb diet back up yesterday. It’s difficult to keep track of progress because my weight fluctuates so much. I’m four pounds lighter this morning than I was yesterday morning. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone or if maybe it’s just because I’m big, I have more water weight to lose through the night (we lose weight when we sleep by breathing out water vapors).

All I know is that after seeing pictures of myself on vacation, I don’t have a choice. I look like a big lard. I had Spam and eggs yesterday for lunch (okay, so the sodium is a little high…) and Chipotle bowl sans rice for dinner, so my carb intake was super low yesterday. I hope I can kick myself into ketosis within a few days. I have surgery on my hand Thursday, but after that heals up I’m going to start up with exercise.

I think that’s about it for an update? Hopefully next time I’ll have something a bit more exciting.

  • Dee

Midnight Update

Sorry I missed updating last week. I got my first assignment for the editing internship, which happened to be a full manuscript. The book was non-fiction and absolutely the worst thing I’ve ever read, but I can’t say much else. I powered through the work and turned it back in.

I’m exhausted. Besides dealing with that edit, I had a big week of homework last week and continued looking for jobs. I found one which is full-time (with some amazing benefits) and applied for it, but they were looking for someone with a bit more experience, I think. I figured it didn’t hurt to try. Put in for two more freelance gigs, but nothing yet.

Last week I did my first assignment for WritersDepartment, which admittedly ended up being a bit of a fiasco, but I got it done and there is $15 waiting in my account. I’ve been assigned another project, but I have like two weeks to get it done.

Saw Mr. Beetle tonight. I actually cried in front of him when he dropped me off. I’m a nervous wreck, I’m having a procedure done Wednesday and have to have twilight sleep done. I’ve never had any sort of thing like that. You could tell he felt bad I was so nervous, but now I feel like an idiot for letting him see me cry. I have a complex about people seeing me! When I was little and would cry, Dad would tell me it was the ugliest face he’d ever seen. It was to try and make me laugh (complete good intentions, my dad is not a cruel person), but still to this day that’s what goes through my head whenever I well up.

Tomorrow I’m going to book the cruise with Big. I’ve got to get up somewhat early to head down there (she lives an hour away). After that we’re taking my youngest niece to play Pokemon Go and then I’m going to record the next episode of my podcast I have with my best friend.

There sure has been a lot going on lately. I feel like I’ll never catch up. Mom says life is always like that. I’ve kept obsessive to-do lists for the past few years and she told me I would never reach the end of it because there is always at least one more thing to be done. I just want to rest. I miss childhood when I wasn’t concerned at all and could just relax.

Sleep well, everyone.

Dee

PS: I’ve lost 8 lbs. in the last week! Back on low-carb/high protein!

Quick Update

Apparently I’m going on a cruise in June. Big, my oldest sister, wants to go for her birthday in June and since I’m graduating in May, I agreed. I don’t know how I’ll pay for it, but I’ll figure it out. Right now we’re looking toward a cruise which stops in Mexico and Cuba.

I don’t think I mentioned it yet, but I’m having surgery in mid-April and I’m very nervous about it. I’ve never been put out before or even had twilight sleep. After having an EMG on my arm today, I now officially have a carpal tunnel diagnosis. He said it was moderate and it’s being referred back to my doctor, but he suspects it will be rehab and steroid shots at a minimum and possibly surgery. So now I have a possible second surgery on the horizon.

Today Mom and I started our low-carb diet. I forgot how hard the first few days are! I’ve been starving and so has she. Mr. Beetle is also doing low-carb. Except when we see each other – we give ourselves a dinner cheat on those days, so once or twice a week.

Tomorrow is my mock interview and I’m oddly nervous about it. I suck at interviewing.

I want to write more, but I should probably be in bed. Goodnight, lovelies. ❤

Dee

The Mess Deepens

Fuck.

Okay, first off, sorry. I’ve never really been the bloggy type, so this is new and I forget it’s a thing. Sorry sorry sorry for the long gap in posts.

So. Fuck.

Mr. Beetle is back in my life and, apparently, he has intentions to leave his marriage. I asked him if that decision was independent of me, like he was going to do it anyway and he said yes. I don’t know, like of course I want to believe him, I’ve been crazy about him for a long time. But you hear about this sort of thing all the time and it hardly ever works out, like it’s almost always a lie but I want to believe him so bad.

But, I digress.

Right now I’m sitting here watching Angel aaaand that’s about all I’ve been doing lately. I need a job. I had a lead on one that I was soooo excited about, it’s working from home, but you have mandatory training for two weeks in January and guess who got chosen as a petit juror for the month of January? This is my life. I think for about three seconds that maybe I have a path and then the wind blows, the dirt scatters, and the path is gone.

Let’s see…I bought a pepper plant? Well, a dying pepper plant on clearance for a quarter. I thought it might give my life some meaning to revive it, but so far it’s not bouncing back so great. To be fair it was probably a lost cause anyway with winter weather setting in, but it looked so pitiful that I couldn’t pass it up.

NaNoWriMo didn’t happen this month, not with these intense classes I’m in. I’m beyond ready for this degree to be done and over. Done in May, done in May, done in May. That’s all I can keep telling myself. I decided for the time being to hold off on the master’s to let my brain breathe for a little bit.

I guess my current goal right now is to get employed and get out of this house. I need my own place. I need a space that is just mine. The big city about an hour north of here is looking more and welcoming, I’ve even run some price checks on rent in different neighborhoods. I think if I can get a job making around $2000 a month, I can swing it. So that’s my goal right now, to get as close to that as humanly possible.

Oh! I started taking/selling Plexus. And in the first two weeks I GAINED TEN POUNDS. Not sure I’m completely sold on it. But, I started taking an additional product and dropped eight of the ten in a week, so I’m still up two but going to give it another month to see. I mean, honestly, at this point what does it matter, I’m near the heaviest I’ve ever been. Since I quit smoking in July, I put on 30 pounds (now minus eight).

Other than those few updates, there’s nothing new. Started selling my stuff to get some extra cash. Trying to get my hands on a NES Classic just like everyone else. Still miserable. Nothing new.

Dee

A Distraction

Okay, so we’ll call the married guy Mr. Beetle. I’m lame and come up with code names – and he likes VW so, there. Beetle.

I know I mentioned in a previous post that Mr. Beetle and I got into a bit of an argument and haven’t spoken. That was, I think, last Wednesday. And we still haven’t. But, the thing is I’m struggling and trying not to text him. The whole thing has made me panic a bit, I think because I had gotten comfortable with him and so the thought of having to get close to someone again has got me on edge.

It’s also a difficult week for this because I’m home from vacation and also on a break from school this week, so there’s not much to distract me. Because of that (and not wanting to make a whole pointless post on how angst is killing me) I’ll finally write a post about my weight.

This is not easy. I’ve been overweight literally since I can remember (though pictures tell me I started to gain weight around the second grade). My weight is something shared only with my doctor and my family, most often with my eyes cast down at the floor. When I lived in Florida for my internship, I lost 40 lbs. in five months, but have packed it all back on and then some since being home. Even online and anonymous, I can’t bring myself to say my weight.

I need to talk about my weight and cover my attempts at losing it, but because I can’t bring myself to say it I have a system to disguise it. Because I’m an idiot, honestly, like what does it matter if a bunch of strangers know? As silly as it sounds, I was bullied horribly in high school (enough that my parents pulled me and put me in a new school) and the thought of openly writing about my weight is giving me images of harassment through comments. Realistically do I think this will happen? No. The people following this blog all seem so kind. But there are malicious people in the world and once you’ve spent time at their mercy, you tend to avoid anything that might attract that kind of attention again.

I made up a system that consists of blocks of weight so I can openly talk about my weight and give readers a point of reference and comparison.

Current weight: 55 blocks

First goal: 46 blocks

Second goal: 42 blocks

Third goal: 38 blocks

Final goal: 34 blocks

It’s not the trickiest of systems and anyone with a brain could figure it out, but at least now I have deniability! Plus, I’ll likely switch over to pounds once I lose a little weight, but for now we’re on blocks.

I’m going to focus on low-carb/high-protein, which is how I lost the 40 lbs. when I lived in Florida. My body type is endomorph, so I’ll definitely need to focus on trying to get at least a half hour of cardio in every day. I did, however, have to get rid of my gym membership and have no equipment. Does anyone have any good cardio exercises that don’t require equipment (other than power walking or jogging)?

Any low-carb/high-protein recipes are also welcome!

Dee

Leading Up to This

So you’re interested in watching someone’s life fall apart. Then introductions are in order.

The Truths of My Life:

  1. I tend to date men who forget to tell me they’re married.
  2. I’ve started to hate my job.
  3. I’ve always had a resistance to settling down.
  4. I’ve been fat since I can remember.
  5. I own way too much shit.
  6. I’m an American millennial. I was destined for heavy debt.

All of which have been manageable for the past few years and would continue to be so if I hadn’t

7.  Spent the last few years dreading my 25th birthday.

It was a birthday which recently came and went. Often 30 bothers people, or 40, or 50. But everyone gets one birthday to dread and 25 was mine.

So, how did I react to these TML?

  1. I cut the cheating husbands (bastards) off and one, goddamn it, charmed his way back in. More on that in a future post.
  2. I quit my job and tomorrow is my last day. I’ve quite possibly lost my mind.
  3. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’ll end up. A ditch is probable.
  4. Still fat. In fact I gained more weight.
  5. Still have too much shit despite constant purges.
  6. To alleviate my debt I bought a car (because that makes sense and is in no way a direct issue with the above number two).
  7. I cried a lot and still do, but went and watched Bridget Jones which was probably the most appropriate thing I’ve ever done in my life.

My name is Dee and I’ve been in the process of a complete fucking meltdown for the past two months. I thought at the very least someone might get a laugh or, hell, even identify with it. I know I’d love to not feel so alone in my seeming inability to function as an adult.

Then I thought maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe it’s still possible to write myself into an underdog victory. I don’t have very good material to work with but, by god, I can have a decent life if I work for it. I can have a job I like. I can lose weight and maybe finally get around to having a skin regimen. I can manage debt and, longest shot of all, even see someone who finds me more worthy than side-chick status.

And so now those TML become Eventual Truths:

  1. I am capable of finding actual love if I decide it suits me.
  2. I will find a job that not only pays well, but that I genuinely enjoy.
  3. I will own a home, though I may not yet know where.
  4. I will lose weight, not only for vanity but for health. Mostly vanity, though.
  5. I will minimize my things, be they clothes or stress.
  6. I will manage my debt and be (largely) debt-free in ten years.
  7. The dreaded birthday has come and gone, so the rest will be better from here.

Since this was an introductory post and since it turned into a bunch of lists, here are five things about me.

  1. My MB type is ENFJ.
  2. I am a Libra.
  3. I’m currently in my senior year (Major: Creative Writing, Minor: History).
  4. I am the youngest of three girls. My oldest sister has three boys. My middle sister had three girls. There is a lot of pressure for three more boys.
  5. I just asked my mother for a random fact about me (she has no idea about this blog) and she instantly replied, “You’re stubborn.” So there’s that.

Looking forward to this journey,

Dee