Quick Update

Apparently I’m going on a cruise in June. Big, my oldest sister, wants to go for her birthday in June and since I’m graduating in May, I agreed. I don’t know how I’ll pay for it, but I’ll figure it out. Right now we’re looking toward a cruise which stops in Mexico and Cuba.

I don’t think I mentioned it yet, but I’m having surgery in mid-April and I’m very nervous about it. I’ve never been put out before or even had twilight sleep. After having an EMG on my arm today, I now officially have a carpal tunnel diagnosis. He said it was moderate and it’s being referred back to my doctor, but he suspects it will be rehab and steroid shots at a minimum and possibly surgery. So now I have a possible second surgery on the horizon.

Today Mom and I started our low-carb diet. I forgot how hard the first few days are! I’ve been starving and so has she. Mr. Beetle is also doing low-carb. Except when we see each other – we give ourselves a dinner cheat on those days, so once or twice a week.

Tomorrow is my mock interview and I’m oddly nervous about it. I suck at interviewing.

I want to write more, but I should probably be in bed. Goodnight, lovelies. ❤

Dee

Five Nights at Dee’s

Although my life isn’t quite as frightening as Five Nights at Freddy’s, I feel like I can definitely give it a run for its money.

So here we are on evening number five being home alone. The first three nights Mom was working evenings at the hospital, yesterday she stayed at Asshat’s new shit apartment and today (while at a school function for my oldest niece) she tells me she’s staying at Asshat’s again.

Listen, I’m not one of those clingy dependent kids that can’t stand being alone. But right now I’m in a bad funk. I mean, not even a funk – call a spade a spade – I’m in a bout of depression. I think it’s just going to take some time to get used to this Celexa.

Anyway, Mom knows I’m having a hard time. I actually talked to her on the first night she worked the hospital. I was crying and told her it was depressed and difficult to be alone in the evenings. You would think that would make her worried or something, but she’s not. I don’t know, I try not to be so selfish about it, but there’s a lot of issues with my mom. Not only with me, but with my two older sisters as well.

I’m closer with my mom than my sisters and I think that has caused a bit of jealousy on their part toward me. I think the difference in relationship is due to the age difference – my oldest sister is 17 years older than me and my middle sister is 14 years older. Coming into Mom’s later life made a difference because she was already established with her career and also my dad was her second marriage and treat’s me a lot better than Big and Middle’s dad treated them. Mom, though…there’s just something wrong with her? I don’t know. She’s hilarious. Unintentionally hilarious, which I think is the best sort. But she’s just…emotionally detached. Her mom, my granny, was the same way Big and Middle say. I was fairly young when she died, so I didn’t really grasp that detachment out of her yet.

I distinctly remember feeling very depressed as a teenager and trying to talk to Mom about it. Instead of listening or letting me talk about it, she paid me $20 to leave the house. I don’t know why I keep letting myself get upset over her. I guess I just want her – just once – to set other things aside for me, especially at a time when I’m struggling. Or for god’s sake, at least have the decency not to stay at Asshat’s apartment for two nights in a row when you know I’m struggling. Like that isn’t a lot to ask for.

I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of reflection on my relationship with my parents the past two days. On Thursday, my best friend’s biological father was found dead from heroin overdose. My best friend was adopted by his capital-d Dad when we were quite young, but still I think he held on to hope that his lowercase-d dad would patch things up with him and turn his life around. The last time he talked to his dad, they were supposed to meet up. His dad never showed up. Understandably, he’s quite conflicted.

It just made me reflect on the relationship I have with my parents. I guess I’ve just come to the realization that they’re my parents. And they’ll always be my parents. They’re just human and sometimes make hurtful decisions, but they still made me and for the most part made sure I was taken care of. I’m fat enough to prove they fed me. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not a drug addict, and I’m only on 10mg of Celexa, so they did an okay job.

But also I’m an adult. And realizing that and the freedom that comes with that helps me to know I can distance myself if I need to. It would take a lot for my to completely cut a family member out and we’re not talking anything near as drastic, but like…I think I need distance for a healthy brain. I think I would feel better being alone if it was self-inflicted and I was living alone rather than living with someone else and feeling forgotten.

I feel silly for saying that. Silly and childish. But that’s the reality of how I feel.

Dee

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So, as lame as it may seem to some of you, I’ve spent a large part of the last six years participating and running online role-playing games (RPG). A large enough part that the majority of friends I talk to on the daily are my friends from the internet.

Anyway, I got into a really bad argument yesterday and am no longer speaking with half of my good friends (or participating in that RPG). So, yeah – just gonna keep heading down my road to self-isolation. Add those friends to my growing list of estrangements.

So that’s fun. I had a career meeting this morning through Skype and honestly as much a I want/need a job, it’s going to kill me waking up early. As soon at the meeting was over, I peeled myself out of that button-down and those slacks, slid right back into my pajamas, and crawled back under my heated blanket. So we can also add that to a list of things which make me pathetic.

Cue Bridget Jones, Under the Tuscan Sun, and every other movie detailing comical single women who would, in actual reality, be quite sad.

I’m seeing Mr. Beetle tonight, so I suppose that’s a plus. I mean, I know it’s a plus. I’m kind of wild about him, which only complicates the situation further. He’s just…so different, you know? He treats me well. I mean, remarkably well. Every time I see him, he’s got a gift for me. Even if it’s just something small. And he calls me probably six or seven times a day. And always pays for dinner, even if I protest. And has gotten mad the two times I’ve made him let me pay.

Maybe I’ll devote a post about him later, but Mom is wanting to go to lunch and needing me to run her around.

Until next time~

Dee

Real Actual Meltdown

I’ve not posted and I apologize. I know I mentioned before that I don’t usually do the whole blogging thing, so it’s hard enough getting into the habit of writing on here, but also I had a legitimate meltdown. Like I know I joke that I was having a meltdown, but I had a real honest to god meltdown.

Let me set the scene. My anxiety has already been at an all-time high since I quit smoking last July (in one week it’ll be my seven month anniversary!!). Add on top of that the stress of senior undergraduate courses, leaving my job, and dealing with my mom’s asshat boyfriend.

And that latter thing is what finally pushed me over the edge. In my absolute defense, I’ve dealt with seven years of emotional and verbal abuse out of the prick and the quickest way to push my temper over the edge is talking down to one of my family members.

Well, he did. My best friend was coming up to stay the night on a Thursday and Mom and I told him we were going to clean out the guest room so there would be somewhere for my friend to sleep (since his junk was piled so high in the guest room it seriously looked like a dump).  Cue him flipping out because he didn’t want us breaking his stuff and also just-exactly-how-long-will-her-friend-be-here because it was his mattress in the guest room and he didn’t want someone sleeping on his mattress when his grandsons were supposed to come over on Saturday and where would they sleep?

Seriously. This is how fucking ridiculous he is.

Mom had enough and told him she wanted him to get his stuff and get out. So she and I went to dinner while he got his stuff, took our time so we wouldn’t run into him at home and when we got home…he was sitting in the recliner watching basketball. Mom instantly sent me back to my room because she knew there had been some serious pressure mounting between the two of us. So there I was…25 years old and sent to my bedroom.

Well, my bedroom doorway I should say. He couldn’t see me from my door but Mom could and she kept shooting me warning glances to close my door.

Sorry. Not gonna happen.

“I want you out of my house,” she said.

“I don’t care,” he replied.

I could feel my blood boiling from the doorway of my bedroom. Mom knew and shot me another warning look. I managed to stay still until I heard his cocky voice say to my mother, “You need to quit running that mouth.”

I honestly swear I had no control over my feet. Buddy, I flew out there. It got nasty. There was lots of name calling being tossed around, which led to him being in my face, which led to me…sort of…pushing him. And possibly punching him in the face.

He punched back. Then it was all over the place. He grabbed me and tried to throw me through the sliding glass door. We were all over each other and my mother just sat and watched, occasionally yelling for us to stop but otherwise not getting close to us.

At one point he punched the side of my head and my glasses went flying. I held my hands up behind me and said to stop while I tried to kick them out of the way. That may seem silly, but I’ve got horrible eyesight and when you only know where one pair of glasses is and they’re on the ground about to be stomped to pieces, you’d be quick to stop, too.

While I was distracted he punched me in the mouth, tackled me to the ground, and had my fingers bent back so far I remember thinking he was going to break them. I don’t mention that to try and sway the argument in my favor – like, I completely own that I was the first person to push him and accept all subsequent violence from him following that – but merely I mention it because that’s how the fight ended. After some nasty words spat in my face, he stood up, went to the bedroom, grabbed some clothes and was gone (after stopping at my bedroom door and trying to hug me because he knew he’d fucked up).

That was mid-January. Mom said she didn’t know what she was going to do without him and completely turned it around on me. Even called all her friends and told them the story of how I flipped out and started a fight with him, but has conveniently left out that she was trying to kick him out and he was being an ass about it in the first place.

The two weeks following the fight were, quite possibly, the worst of my life. My anxiety had already been high enough and that was just what it needed to push me over the edge. Just in the first week following, I dropped 10 lbs. I was extremely depressed, disappointed that I’d let him get the best of me and feeling a sense of betrayal that my mom would make me look worse in order to make herself look better because she is still seeing him.

I ended up going to the doctor who did not necessarily diagnose me, but believes in my self-diagnosis of High Functioning Anxiety Disorder, which is just a fancy way of saying I have horrible anxiety all the time, but I’m really good at hiding it. Usually by the time people notice something is wrong, it’s really wrong. So he put me on 10mg/day of Celexa (well, the generic) and I go for my month check-up this coming Friday. Depending on how he thinks I’m doing, he might adjust it to a higher dose or keep it steady, but I will say I have felt a lot better just knowing it is in my system.

As I mentioned, Mom is still seeing asshat and part of me is having a hard time forgiving her for that. I hate to say that because she’s my mom, but like, you know, I could have gotten arrested trying to get him out of the house for her, have cried and begged her several times since not to get back with him, and yet I’ve just been blown off for dinner plans again so she can go meet him.

So, where does that leave me? Medicated, for one, but in life I’m kind of at the end of this chapter, I think. I have been seeing Mr. Beetle, who is still quite adamant that his marriage is ending and honestly I haven’t had the courage to bring it up to him or press the issue further. The end of April is the deadline I set for myself. If he hasn’t done anything by then, I’ll confront him about it. God, I dread it already, I hope he hurries up. Part of me feels bad for seeing him, but it’s just dinner once or twice a week and on the understanding that he is estranged from his wife. It’s a very thin line to walk – I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because my parents were separated for four years and dating other people while they were married, but also I know how people can be and don’t want to be made a fool.

Needless to say, that’s all a mess. Currently looking to relocate to Columbus because, honestly, I don’t want to damage my relationship with my mother any worse than it is already. A few nights after the fight I ended up having to talk to a crisis line because I thought I might actually hurt myself. They recommended I leave the situation if Mom stayed with him because he had obviously been causing me great mental anguish for a long time and I wasn’t going to heal if he was still in my life in any capacity. I told Mom as much in a letter I taped to her door (sadly it had gotten so bad that I had to write in all caps at the top of the letter that it wasn’t a suicide note). I told her that she would always be my mother no matter what, but that I would have to distance myself from her if she continued seeing David. And she did.

Like, I feel ridiculous because I’m 25 and certainly not a child, but that is actual betrayal. It hurts, bad. It seems dramatic to say it this way, but she chose a man over her kid. And I know I’m not alone in thinking that way – I’ve been somewhat estranged from both of my older sisters for the past few months and even both of them are on my side. My oldest sister doesn’t have anything to do with Mom’s boyfriend and hasn’t for a long time – her sons, my nephews, have refused to even come up to our house for close to two years because they hate him so much. So she knows firsthand.

I don’t know. I have a career meeting on the phone here in about 20 minutes from my college about work placement, so hopefully they’ll get me on the right track. I looked at apartments last week in the Columbus area, just to get an idea of price range. Basically I’ll need $15/hr fulltime or $2000 a month-ish to be able to swing living alone. I’m hoping graduating in May with my BA will help me.

2017 has already proven itself to be a year of great change. Here’s to hoping it starts changing for the better.

Dee

A Distraction

Okay, so we’ll call the married guy Mr. Beetle. I’m lame and come up with code names – and he likes VW so, there. Beetle.

I know I mentioned in a previous post that Mr. Beetle and I got into a bit of an argument and haven’t spoken. That was, I think, last Wednesday. And we still haven’t. But, the thing is I’m struggling and trying not to text him. The whole thing has made me panic a bit, I think because I had gotten comfortable with him and so the thought of having to get close to someone again has got me on edge.

It’s also a difficult week for this because I’m home from vacation and also on a break from school this week, so there’s not much to distract me. Because of that (and not wanting to make a whole pointless post on how angst is killing me) I’ll finally write a post about my weight.

This is not easy. I’ve been overweight literally since I can remember (though pictures tell me I started to gain weight around the second grade). My weight is something shared only with my doctor and my family, most often with my eyes cast down at the floor. When I lived in Florida for my internship, I lost 40 lbs. in five months, but have packed it all back on and then some since being home. Even online and anonymous, I can’t bring myself to say my weight.

I need to talk about my weight and cover my attempts at losing it, but because I can’t bring myself to say it I have a system to disguise it. Because I’m an idiot, honestly, like what does it matter if a bunch of strangers know? As silly as it sounds, I was bullied horribly in high school (enough that my parents pulled me and put me in a new school) and the thought of openly writing about my weight is giving me images of harassment through comments. Realistically do I think this will happen? No. The people following this blog all seem so kind. But there are malicious people in the world and once you’ve spent time at their mercy, you tend to avoid anything that might attract that kind of attention again.

I made up a system that consists of blocks of weight so I can openly talk about my weight and give readers a point of reference and comparison.

Current weight: 55 blocks

First goal: 46 blocks

Second goal: 42 blocks

Third goal: 38 blocks

Final goal: 34 blocks

It’s not the trickiest of systems and anyone with a brain could figure it out, but at least now I have deniability! Plus, I’ll likely switch over to pounds once I lose a little weight, but for now we’re on blocks.

I’m going to focus on low-carb/high-protein, which is how I lost the 40 lbs. when I lived in Florida. My body type is endomorph, so I’ll definitely need to focus on trying to get at least a half hour of cardio in every day. I did, however, have to get rid of my gym membership and have no equipment. Does anyone have any good cardio exercises that don’t require equipment (other than power walking or jogging)?

Any low-carb/high-protein recipes are also welcome!

Dee

Breaking It Off

In an earlier post I mentioned (with much chagrin) my attachment to a man who I found out was married…three years into our off-and-on internet…thing.

We never said we were dating. The closest we got was him telling me it was okay to change my Facebook status to it’s complicated less than a week before I found out about his wife. I say “found out” because he didn’t tell me. Things were (at least on my end) seeming a lot more serious, but something wasn’t sitting right in my stomach and I did a little extensive online snooping.

I was furious. Told him as much, told him I didn’t want to talk to him again. I decided (after being in a situation similar to this before and doing some extra psychologist-driven research) not to tell his wife. Thing was, he’s a bit of a pushover and I started to suspect maybe he just let getting married happen. I mean, that’s probably me just rationalizing it in my head, but I honestly think he wasn’t happy to begin with. Or maybe I’m too forgiving slash incredibly stupid. One or the other.

Anyway, it gets smoothed over after he sends a message a week into our silence. He said he wants to be friends. Enter my self-loathing moral compass. What do you do? How do you react when you know it’s wrong even if it is just being friends? The sad part was even if it never was date-ish, we would make really good friends. Same exact humor into the same things, just got each other, you know. I hated that it ended up the way it did because I wanted him in my life in some capacity.

Friends? Sure, I can do friends. Until it stopped being friends again about two months after. It stopped being friends and became more than it was before – talking on the phone for hours, texting all day. I was stuck in this place where I knew it was wrong and wanted to correct it, but was horrified to lose my chance at having someone who got me.

The thing was I couldn’t have him. He couldn’t be mine how I wanted him. And no amount of him hinting at leaving his wife would change it most likely.

Two days ago we got into a fight. He said I was pulling away, he had a bad feeling about me coming down to Florida like a fight would happen. And then it did. But, see, I’ve been wanting to throw the brakes on and he was full-steam ahead…so I told him I couldn’t be what he wanted and he couldn’t be what I wanted. I told him I could be his friend, but if I ever got a boyfriend that I would have to stop talking to him. He didn’t like that. I think maybe because that was a poor reflection of him that he talked to me while married, but I wouldn’t do the same with a boyfriend.

He blamed me. Said it was that attitude of mine that kept him from opening up to me, a problem which had come up many times. Told me he needed someone who could help keep him stable while he gathered the courage to leave his wife and get his own place. I told him I couldn’t be that person and to stop looking for someone to be his catalyst to change. I couldn’t be that for him, not for a married man who lied to me for three years. It may be awful to assume the worst in people, but at some point you have to realize that more than likely in that situation he’s still lying.

He told me what I said wasn’t fair. I told him I was not the kind of person to wait around while he decided if I was worthy enough to leave his wife for. He read the message and has not responded.

So, I guess that’s it. I guess we’re done. No more married men. Or men in general, with how I’m feeling right now. On the plus side, I did that fun hair and ring baby thing on Facebook and it said I would have a daughter and a son so, dear god, someone has to find me attractive enough that I can get laid. Twice.

I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad, I think, as awful as it is to feel that way. I don’t know, I had just started to get my hopes up about him more than I ever had anyone else. The thought of completely starting over seems so…scary. But it’s necessary.

Anyway, I’m off to Islands of Adventure and then Halloween Horror Nights. Today is my last night in Orlando (spent the last two days at Disney parks) and tomorrow I am off for Tennessee to visit another friend, then continuing home to Ohio on Monday.