Great News!

My first article for Constant Content was rejected! ­čśë

It actually wasn’t that big of a deal at all. They wanted me to┬áchange “earth” to “Earth” (whoops) and reformat another sentence, which in all fairness did read kind of funky on a second glance. Resubmitted and awaiting approval!

Okay, but the real great news – had my interview yesterday for WritersDepartment and was offered a freelance position! That’s geared more toward academic writing (with some business), so I haven’t logged in yet because this weekend I’m going to Dad’s for the holiday. Happy St. Pat’s, by the way!

Even better news? Last night I checked my email and was also offered an editing internship with a publishing house. Guys, I am on FIRE right now. It’s only $50 stipends per edit and lasting 3-6 months, but the experience is what is most important there.

A week ago today, I woke up utterly unemployed. Today I now have two freelance writing gigs and I’m an editing intern for a publishing house.

If you ever wondered how boring I really am in real life, I celebrated this news with a new computer chair and a large Sprite from Wendy’s. I did start my low-carb diet on Monday, but I’ve only half-assed it so far. I mean, other than the Sprite yesterday (and maybe a few Girl Scout cookies…), I did well! In all fairness, I only ever half-ass my diet the first week or two. You know, I’ve got to get used to it! XD

I probably won’t update this weekend as I’ll be out of town and swamped with homework. It’s my last term – that’s what I have to keep telling myself. I just want to be done! And besides that I have to create a schedule for myself to start next week! Ah, this is all so exciting! I hope I get money rolling in soon! Especially since Big is wanting to take a cruise in June!

Oh man, that just made me think of taxes…anyone doing freelance writing or otherwise self-employed? How do you deal with taxes?

Dee

Five Nights at Dee’s

Although my life isn’t quite as frightening as Five Nights at Freddy’s, I feel like I can definitely give it a run for its money.

So here we are on evening number five being home alone. The first three nights Mom was working evenings at the hospital, yesterday she stayed at Asshat’s new shit apartment and today (while at a school function for my oldest niece) she tells me she’s staying at Asshat’s again.

Listen, I’m not one of those clingy dependent kids that can’t stand being alone. But right now I’m in a bad funk. I mean, not even a funk – call a spade a spade – I’m in a bout of depression. I think it’s just going to take some time to get used to this Celexa.

Anyway, Mom knows I’m having a hard time. I actually talked to her on the first night she worked the hospital. I was crying and told her it was depressed and difficult to be alone in the evenings. You would think that would make her worried or something, but she’s not. I don’t know, I try not to be so selfish about it, but there’s a lot of issues with my mom. Not only with me, but with my two older sisters as well.

I’m closer with my mom than my sisters and I think that has caused a bit of jealousy on their part toward me. I think the difference in relationship is due to the age difference – my oldest sister is 17 years older than me and my middle sister is 14 years older. Coming into Mom’s later life made a difference because she was already established with her career and also my dad was her second marriage and treat’s me a lot better than Big and Middle’s dad treated them. Mom, though…there’s just something wrong with her? I don’t know. She’s hilarious. Unintentionally hilarious, which I think is the best sort. But she’s just…emotionally detached. Her mom, my granny, was the same way Big and Middle say. I was fairly young when she died, so I didn’t really grasp that detachment out of her yet.

I distinctly remember feeling very depressed as a teenager and trying to talk to Mom about it. Instead of listening or letting me talk about it, she paid me $20 to leave the house. I don’t know why I keep letting myself get upset over her. I guess I just want her – just once – to set other things aside for me, especially at a time when I’m struggling. Or for god’s sake, at least have the decency not to stay at Asshat’s apartment for two nights in a row when you know I’m struggling. Like that isn’t a lot to ask for.

I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of reflection on my relationship with my parents the past two days. On Thursday, my best friend’s biological father was found dead from heroin overdose. My best friend was adopted by his capital-d Dad when we were quite young, but still I think he held on to hope that his lowercase-d dad would patch things up with him and turn his life around. The last time he talked to his dad, they were supposed to meet up. His dad never showed up. Understandably, he’s quite conflicted.

It just made me reflect on the relationship I have with my parents. I guess I’ve just come to the realization that they’re my parents. And they’ll always be my parents. They’re just human and sometimes make hurtful decisions, but they still made me and for the most part made sure I was taken care of. I’m fat enough to prove they fed me. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not a drug addict, and I’m only on 10mg of Celexa, so they did an okay job.

But also I’m an adult. And realizing that and the freedom that comes with that helps me to know I can distance myself if I need to. It would take a lot for my to completely cut a family member out and we’re not talking anything near as drastic, but like…I think I need distance for a healthy brain. I think I would feel better being alone if it was self-inflicted and I was living alone rather than living with someone else and feeling forgotten.

I feel silly for saying that. Silly and childish. But that’s the reality of how I feel.

Dee

A Distraction

Okay, so we’ll call the married guy Mr. Beetle. I’m lame and come up with code names – and he likes VW so, there. Beetle.

I know I mentioned in a previous post that Mr. Beetle and I got into a bit of an argument and haven’t spoken. That was, I think, last Wednesday. And we still haven’t. But, the thing is I’m struggling and trying not to text him. The whole thing has made me panic a bit, I think because I had gotten comfortable with him and so the thought of having to get close to someone again has got me on edge.

It’s also a difficult week for this because I’m home from vacation and also on a break from school this week, so there’s not much to distract me. Because of that (and not wanting to make a whole pointless post on how angst is killing me) I’ll finally write a post about my weight.

This is not easy. I’ve been overweight literally since I can remember (though pictures tell me I started to gain weight around the second grade). My weight is something shared only with my doctor and my family, most often with my eyes cast down at the floor. When I lived in Florida for my internship, I lost 40 lbs. in five months, but have packed it all back on and then some since being home. Even online and anonymous, I can’t bring myself to say my weight.

I need to talk about my weight and cover my attempts at losing it, but because I can’t bring myself to say it I have a system to disguise it. Because I’m an idiot, honestly, like what does it matter if a bunch of strangers know? As silly as it sounds, I was bullied horribly in high school (enough that my parents pulled me and put me in a new school) and the thought of openly writing about my weight is giving me images of harassment through comments. Realistically do I think this will happen? No. The people following this blog all seem so kind. But there are malicious people in the world and once you’ve spent time at their mercy, you tend to avoid anything that might attract that kind of attention again.

I made up a system that consists of blocks of weight so I can openly talk about my weight and give readers a point of reference and comparison.

Current weight: 55 blocks

First goal: 46 blocks

Second goal: 42 blocks

Third goal: 38 blocks

Final goal: 34 blocks

It’s not the trickiest of systems and anyone with a brain could figure it out, but at least now I have deniability! Plus, I’ll likely switch over to pounds once I lose a little weight, but for now we’re on blocks.

I’m going to focus on low-carb/high-protein, which is how I lost the 40 lbs. when I lived in Florida. My body type is endomorph, so I’ll definitely need to focus on trying to get at least a half hour of cardio in every day. I did, however, have to get rid of my gym membership and have no equipment. Does anyone have any good cardio exercises that don’t require equipment (other than power walking or jogging)?

Any low-carb/high-protein recipes are also welcome!

Dee

First Day of Unemployment

Here’s how it happened:

I knew months ago that it was coming to this. I’d gotten a transfer from a small branch to a more busy location last November and thought I was escaping what had become a miserable living,but little did I know I was jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. It seemed my (now ex-)manager always had one person to pick on. And I was that person.

There was not a thing I could do right. And not to sound snotty (as I’m perfectly aware I was no perfect employee), but I was pretty good at my job. Civil service suited me well and I’m good with the public. My manager, on the other hand, was not. There is a line of work meant for her somewhere, but working with the public is not her thing. She regularly approached patrons with absolute sass, pointed looks, and once (not kidding) I saw her raise her palm to someone’s face so they would be quiet.

Imagine how she could be to her employees if she was like that to patrons. Now imagine how terrible it would be to be her particular favorite. For months I said nothing. It wasn’t until the beginning of this past summer that a coworker finally whispered to me, “How do you smile through it?”

It wasn’t just me. I wasn’t being overly sensitive (having anxiety I tell myself often the problem is me). Someone else had seen. No matter how much I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, I couldn’t keep my manager from her own actions. By the end of the summer the rest of my coworkers (seven in my building, one sub) had made comments to me. They wanted to know how I kept my mouth shut, they begged me to go to HR, they wondered why she was so verbal with me and not the others.

At this point, I had been taking my lunches in my car so I could cry. I would be on my drive home from work and already anxious to go in the next day. Even at home I stopped leaving my bedroom because I couldn’t concentrate on anything anyway, not even a small conversation. I lived for my days off which slowly become just as bad because my homework was slipping and those were catch-up days.

July 19th was the day it was decided. I sat in my car on lunch, chain-smoking and trying not to cry from the latest snide comment. I was done. Completely and totally done. I pulled the notebook from my purse and started running the numbers. If I cancelled my gym membership (which, let’s be honest, was not being used) and paid off my credit cards, it was doable…if I quit smoking. Cigarettes made up a big portion of my budget (roughly $200 a month). Let me put it this way so you understand how desperate I was feeling – I started smoking young and had smoked a pack a day for ten years…and it was no question. I called the quit line (1-800-QUIT-NOW, it’s free) right then, while on my lunch. It was settled – they would provide patches and I was quitting the following Tuesday.

The coaching sessions with the quit line were quite candid. No, I was not quitting for health. I was quitting so I could quit my job. I really think that was all that got me through it. As of today, I’m on day 73 tobacco-free.

Everything went great for three weeks until my piece of garbage car bit the dust and, ta-da, I had to finance a new one. Slight damper in my plans. But I would not be discouraged…I was getting the hell out of my job. I reworked my finances and got it to a manageable balance. I live and eat at home and get enough money on the side to pay for my car and Netflix, so I’m golden. There’s not going to be any eating out, but I’ve got a safe car, instant show streaming, and still able to quit my job.

So, I did. Yesterday was my last day and, honestly, I don’t think I’ll regret it. I’ve got money to last me through May, so right now I plan on taking a few weeks off to just veg out and realign my life. I plan on participating in NaNoWriMo this year and having two books of a new series finished by the year’s end, so I can throw them up on Kindle Direct and hopefully bring in a little more pocket money.

There is also the option of going on to get my MA next fall, but that’s for another post and another huge issue (debt).

So that’s my background. That’s a large reason why I had a minor meltdown and left my job. I don’t plan on many posts being this lengthy, but the first few will probably be to build a foundation. God, I don’t even know if anyone will read any of this, but if you do – thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read, I’ll try my best to be worthy of your time.

Dee

´╗┐Leading Up to This

So you’re interested in watching someone’s life fall apart. Then introductions are in order.

The Truths of My Life:

  1. I tend to date men who forget to tell me they’re married.
  2. I’ve started to hate my job.
  3. I’ve always had a resistance to settling down.
  4. I’ve been fat since I can remember.
  5. I own way too much shit.
  6. I’m an American millennial. I was destined for heavy debt.

All of which have been manageable for the past few years and would continue to be so if I hadn’t

7.  Spent the last few years dreading my 25th birthday.

It was a birthday which recently came and went. Often 30 bothers people, or 40, or 50. But everyone gets one birthday to dread and 25 was mine.

So, how did I react to these TML?

  1. I cut the cheating husbands (bastards) off and one, goddamn it, charmed his way back in. More on that in a future post.
  2. I quit my job and tomorrow is my last day. I’ve quite possibly lost my mind.
  3. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’ll end up. A ditch is probable.
  4. Still fat. In fact I gained more weight.
  5. Still have too much shit despite constant purges.
  6. To alleviate my debt I bought a car (because that makes sense and is in no way a direct issue with the above number two).
  7. I cried a lot and still do, but went and watched Bridget Jones which was probably the most appropriate thing I’ve ever done in my life.

My name is Dee and I’ve been in the process of a complete fucking meltdown for the past two months. I thought at the very least someone might get a laugh or, hell, even identify with it. I know I’d love to not feel so alone in my seeming inability to function as an adult.

Then I thought maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe it’s still possible to write myself into an underdog victory. I don’t have very good material to work with but, by god, I can have a decent life if I work for it. I can have a job I like. I can lose weight and maybe finally get around to having a skin regimen. I can manage debt and, longest shot of all, even see someone who finds me more worthy than side-chick status.

And so now those TML become Eventual Truths:

  1. I am capable of finding actual love if I decide it suits me.
  2. I will find a job that not only pays well, but that I genuinely enjoy.
  3. I will own a home, though I may not yet know where.
  4. I will lose weight, not only for vanity but for health. Mostly vanity, though.
  5. I will minimize my things, be they clothes or stress.
  6. I will manage my debt and be (largely) debt-free in ten years.
  7. The dreaded birthday has come and gone, so the rest will be better from here.

Since this was an introductory post and since it turned into a bunch of lists, here are five things about me.

  1. My MB type is ENFJ.
  2. I am a Libra.
  3. I’m currently in my senior year (Major: Creative Writing, Minor: History).
  4. I am the youngest of three girls. My oldest sister has three boys. My middle sister had three girls. There is a lot of pressure for three more boys.
  5. I just asked my mother for a random fact about me (she has no idea about this blog) and she instantly replied, “You’re stubborn.” So there’s that.

Looking forward to this journey,

Dee