Off the Deep End

Hey, everyone.

I know I mentioned this in my last post (over a month ago), but I suck at updating. I’m going to chalk it up to crazy genes and hope things get better from here on out. In my defense, I’ve been out of the country. Actually, in the past month I’ve been in 14 different states and three countries. So, yeah, I’ve been a busy girl. I just got back from holiday in Mexico and Cuba with Big.

I graduated, so that happened. Got my diploma in the mail yesterday. Officially the holder of a BA – woo! That was a long process, but I feel proud of myself because I stuck through it even though I had several hiccups along the way. I can’t decide if I want to hop straight in for my Master’s or hold off (if I get it at all). I guess it depends on how quickly I can find a full-time job. Speaking of, right after this post (well, maybe after I go get my nails done), I’m going to sit down and find 4-5 positions to apply to. I lose my insurance this autumn when I turn 26, so now the pressure is on. I’m not sure how this new healthcare thing works exactly, but I think if I have a lapse in coverage then my “pre-existing conditions” come into play. And that huge list of conditions they released? I have like seven of them. So I’m in a time crunch now to not have any lapse.

Still seeing Mr. Beetle. Still wary as ever over it. But still crazy over him. Nothing has really changed other than me finally telling him he either needs to get his shit together or let me go. Will stay updated on developments.

Started the low-carb diet back up yesterday. It’s difficult to keep track of progress because my weight fluctuates so much. I’m four pounds lighter this morning than I was yesterday morning. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone or if maybe it’s just because I’m big, I have more water weight to lose through the night (we lose weight when we sleep by breathing out water vapors).

All I know is that after seeing pictures of myself on vacation, I don’t have a choice. I look like a big lard. I had Spam and eggs yesterday for lunch (okay, so the sodium is a little high…) and Chipotle bowl sans rice for dinner, so my carb intake was super low yesterday. I hope I can kick myself into ketosis within a few days. I have surgery on my hand Thursday, but after that heals up I’m going to start up with exercise.

I think that’s about it for an update? Hopefully next time I’ll have something a bit more exciting.

  • Dee

A Long Two and a Half Weeks

Yes, yes, I’m aware I suck at updating. On April 12th I had surgery and I’ve been a little all over the place since then. So when I’m bad about updating under normal circumstances, I flat out suck when I’m not feeling well and under a steady stream of pain medications.

Things haven’t changed a bit. Actually Mom just interrupted my blogging with her steps clicking down the hall, wrenching open my door without a single knock, and muttering, “Asshat’s here,” as a warning not to leave my room. Well, you know, she used his actual name, but for the purposes of this blog, and my own petty soul – Asshat.

Last week Mom and I got into an enormous screaming match that resulted in both of us crying. I’m certainly not blameless, like I said some mean stuff, but never in my life has my mother yelled at me like that. It was awful. We both felt really rotten over it afterward. She told me it was my fault we’re so tight on money, that Asshat’s $1200 a month hurt her, to which I responded that I’ve told her since the night of the fight I would do anything to help with finances and she’s time and time again turned me down. She said it wasn’t like my writing jobs were real jobs anyway. I think she felt bad about that one as soon as it was out of her mouth.

Right now I’m writing articles for two companies, academic papers for another, and doing an editing internship for a publishing house, but the work is erratic – some ad hoc and other bids I have to place. I’ve been scouring job boards for remote full-time opportunities, but until then I am doing what I can. And I know it’s not a lot. I’m struggling with the bills I have (not to mention a vacation Big is making me go on in June), so I can’t help but feel her slip of the tongue was more her actual thoughts than something mean spat out to hurt me.

We apologized and things are semi-normal, but with my anxiety, I can’t help but be paranoid that this is how everyone sees me – a worthless person with a fake job. On my particularly bad nights, which have been a lot lately, I can’t help but agree with them. It’s gotten so bad, I’ve wondered whether I should ask them to up my Celexa dosage from 20mg to 40mg. If I wasn’t worried about picking smoking back up, I’d honestly would have been drinking a bit lately to take the edge off. That sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?

I’ve debated on whether or not I wanted to mention this, but it’s eating me alive, so I’m just going to be out with it. Mr. Beetle is on vacation…with his wife. I hate it. I hate every bit of it. I just don’t know what to think. He’s seriously the one thread keeping me tied together, the one thing keeping me from falling apart. When I found out I cried, which made him cry. He said he didn’t want to go, that he was dreading it, and it may make me stupid, but I believe him.

It’s like…I don’t want to be a fool. And I know I’m probably going to end up in that role. But I’m in such a bad place mentally that I can’t bear to be cut off from my one ally. And it’s not like in a manipulative “you can only count on me” sort of way. Mr. Beetle is, despite what you might think, a really great guy. He treats me better than any other guy I’ve been with and, Christ, I’ve been engaged. I believe him when he says he wants out of his marriage and is going to end it – and I can see for myself that he’s non-confrontational, how that is slowing things up. I mean, he’s met my fucking mom. He came to my house like five or six times in the past weeks following my surgery, driving over an hour each way. Granted, yes, he’s not going about leaving his marriage in a good way and I’m just as guilty of contributing to that. But that’s honestly the one red flag there is about him and to hear him tell it, she’s caused a lot of emotional abuse. I know he’s dealt with some issues – he’s called me crying. He’s got crap self-esteem, even worse than mine which is saying something. And so, again, it may make me foolish, but I believe him.

I’m not even so upset about him being with his wife on vacation as I am about not having him close – not being able to call him or see him. I feel like my support system has vanished for the week. He senses it too, without even being told. He goes out on the beach around six every morning to call me and manages to slip in another two or three calls through the day. Just so I know I’m not alone. A bad person, maybe. But not alone.

Mom and Asshat are leaving in the morning for vacation, so I have the house to myself for a few days. While I once would have found the idea relaxing, now it’s a bit depressing. I don’t know, I’ve just been having a hard time lately.

I graduate next week, so that’s exciting. It’s been a long trip (took twice as long as it should have between two transfers, five majors, two semesters off for internships, and dropping out twice due to depression). I fixed it, though. I’ll walk across that stage with a 4.0, member of two honor societies, seven time President’s List member, and recipient of the Outstanding Student Award. Maybe one day I’ll lay out the narrative of how fucked my college experience has been. If anyone is the poster child of being able to fix fuck-ups with miraculous turnaround, it’s me.

Sorry. As you can probably tell, I’m not in the best mood. It’s not even that anything in particular is wrong, but rather that I just feel weird. It’s some place between anxiety and normal. I told Mom earlier I wasn’t sad, but felt I was going to burst into tears all the same. If I hadn’t have just passed my nine-month mark of no smoking, I surely would have been sucking down two packs a day with how I’ve been feeling. It’s been hard. I’ve wanted to smoke a lot lately. Mr. Beetle gets mad when I don’t tell him I’ve been craving. He likes to talk me through it, make sure I’m okay. He hates that I hold in the urges and suffer a bit.

Anyway, I think that’s enough for now. Trying to get back on a regular schedule. Mine has gotten all out of whack, but Big and Mr. Beetle think it’s an important strategy to curbing my anxiety and general crazy. Who knows?

Good night and until next time,

Dee

Accidental Professions of Love

Oh, holy jesus.

So there I was, taking a nice relaxing bath when Mr. Beetle called.

Actually, first let me set this scene a little better. He and I have this thing where we’re competitive over anything. If he says he misses me, I always say no, I miss you more and so on and so forth.

Okay, so I’m lounging in the bath when Mr. Beetle calls. We’re talking about all the normal things and get on one of our competitive streaks. He said something (I can’t remember what) and I said I did that more. And then he said he was going to buy himself a trophy that said he was better. I replied I was going to get myself an even bigger trophy that said I was “betterer” and then he said he was “betterer” and missed me more. And I don’t know why I said it, but I said I would get mine inscribed in even bigger font saying I loved him more.

Thank god I was on the phone and he didn’t see the immediate horror on my face. I instantly kicked my foot and made a splash noise and said, “Oh, shoot, kicked the stupid body wash over.” PROMPTLY carried the conversation elsewhere and he didn’t say a word.

So, like…I don’t even know if he caught it. He continued as if I hadn’t said it, but he might have been being polite since I so abruptly carried the conversation on to something else. I should also note that he accidentally told me he loved me once. It was in a moment of, er, passion shall we say, so I overlooked it. And by overlooked, I mean I told him I was going to beat his effing ass for saying that to me under the circumstances.

I don’t know. I feel a lot of anxiety over it. And I’m too mortified to say anything to anyone I actually know (considering very few people even know I’m seeing him). I guess for right now this blunder is best left in anonymity.

Whether or not I love him is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. I think that he’s really quite wonderful. And I know I’ve said I’ve loved men before who pale in comparison to him. I’ve never felt like anyone how I feel about Mr. Beetle. But I just really want to make sure I do it right this time. Which I might have already mucked up.

I mean, it could be a Freudian slip, right? Is that a sign?

Dee

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So, as lame as it may seem to some of you, I’ve spent a large part of the last six years participating and running online role-playing games (RPG). A large enough part that the majority of friends I talk to on the daily are my friends from the internet.

Anyway, I got into a really bad argument yesterday and am no longer speaking with half of my good friends (or participating in that RPG). So, yeah – just gonna keep heading down my road to self-isolation. Add those friends to my growing list of estrangements.

So that’s fun. I had a career meeting this morning through Skype and honestly as much a I want/need a job, it’s going to kill me waking up early. As soon at the meeting was over, I peeled myself out of that button-down and those slacks, slid right back into my pajamas, and crawled back under my heated blanket. So we can also add that to a list of things which make me pathetic.

Cue Bridget Jones, Under the Tuscan Sun, and every other movie detailing comical single women who would, in actual reality, be quite sad.

I’m seeing Mr. Beetle tonight, so I suppose that’s a plus. I mean, I know it’s a plus. I’m kind of wild about him, which only complicates the situation further. He’s just…so different, you know? He treats me well. I mean, remarkably well. Every time I see him, he’s got a gift for me. Even if it’s just something small. And he calls me probably six or seven times a day. And always pays for dinner, even if I protest. And has gotten mad the two times I’ve made him let me pay.

Maybe I’ll devote a post about him later, but Mom is wanting to go to lunch and needing me to run her around.

Until next time~

Dee

Real Actual Meltdown

I’ve not posted and I apologize. I know I mentioned before that I don’t usually do the whole blogging thing, so it’s hard enough getting into the habit of writing on here, but also I had a legitimate meltdown. Like I know I joke that I was having a meltdown, but I had a real honest to god meltdown.

Let me set the scene. My anxiety has already been at an all-time high since I quit smoking last July (in one week it’ll be my seven month anniversary!!). Add on top of that the stress of senior undergraduate courses, leaving my job, and dealing with my mom’s asshat boyfriend.

And that latter thing is what finally pushed me over the edge. In my absolute defense, I’ve dealt with seven years of emotional and verbal abuse out of the prick and the quickest way to push my temper over the edge is talking down to one of my family members.

Well, he did. My best friend was coming up to stay the night on a Thursday and Mom and I told him we were going to clean out the guest room so there would be somewhere for my friend to sleep (since his junk was piled so high in the guest room it seriously looked like a dump).  Cue him flipping out because he didn’t want us breaking his stuff and also just-exactly-how-long-will-her-friend-be-here because it was his mattress in the guest room and he didn’t want someone sleeping on his mattress when his grandsons were supposed to come over on Saturday and where would they sleep?

Seriously. This is how fucking ridiculous he is.

Mom had enough and told him she wanted him to get his stuff and get out. So she and I went to dinner while he got his stuff, took our time so we wouldn’t run into him at home and when we got home…he was sitting in the recliner watching basketball. Mom instantly sent me back to my room because she knew there had been some serious pressure mounting between the two of us. So there I was…25 years old and sent to my bedroom.

Well, my bedroom doorway I should say. He couldn’t see me from my door but Mom could and she kept shooting me warning glances to close my door.

Sorry. Not gonna happen.

“I want you out of my house,” she said.

“I don’t care,” he replied.

I could feel my blood boiling from the doorway of my bedroom. Mom knew and shot me another warning look. I managed to stay still until I heard his cocky voice say to my mother, “You need to quit running that mouth.”

I honestly swear I had no control over my feet. Buddy, I flew out there. It got nasty. There was lots of name calling being tossed around, which led to him being in my face, which led to me…sort of…pushing him. And possibly punching him in the face.

He punched back. Then it was all over the place. He grabbed me and tried to throw me through the sliding glass door. We were all over each other and my mother just sat and watched, occasionally yelling for us to stop but otherwise not getting close to us.

At one point he punched the side of my head and my glasses went flying. I held my hands up behind me and said to stop while I tried to kick them out of the way. That may seem silly, but I’ve got horrible eyesight and when you only know where one pair of glasses is and they’re on the ground about to be stomped to pieces, you’d be quick to stop, too.

While I was distracted he punched me in the mouth, tackled me to the ground, and had my fingers bent back so far I remember thinking he was going to break them. I don’t mention that to try and sway the argument in my favor – like, I completely own that I was the first person to push him and accept all subsequent violence from him following that – but merely I mention it because that’s how the fight ended. After some nasty words spat in my face, he stood up, went to the bedroom, grabbed some clothes and was gone (after stopping at my bedroom door and trying to hug me because he knew he’d fucked up).

That was mid-January. Mom said she didn’t know what she was going to do without him and completely turned it around on me. Even called all her friends and told them the story of how I flipped out and started a fight with him, but has conveniently left out that she was trying to kick him out and he was being an ass about it in the first place.

The two weeks following the fight were, quite possibly, the worst of my life. My anxiety had already been high enough and that was just what it needed to push me over the edge. Just in the first week following, I dropped 10 lbs. I was extremely depressed, disappointed that I’d let him get the best of me and feeling a sense of betrayal that my mom would make me look worse in order to make herself look better because she is still seeing him.

I ended up going to the doctor who did not necessarily diagnose me, but believes in my self-diagnosis of High Functioning Anxiety Disorder, which is just a fancy way of saying I have horrible anxiety all the time, but I’m really good at hiding it. Usually by the time people notice something is wrong, it’s really wrong. So he put me on 10mg/day of Celexa (well, the generic) and I go for my month check-up this coming Friday. Depending on how he thinks I’m doing, he might adjust it to a higher dose or keep it steady, but I will say I have felt a lot better just knowing it is in my system.

As I mentioned, Mom is still seeing asshat and part of me is having a hard time forgiving her for that. I hate to say that because she’s my mom, but like, you know, I could have gotten arrested trying to get him out of the house for her, have cried and begged her several times since not to get back with him, and yet I’ve just been blown off for dinner plans again so she can go meet him.

So, where does that leave me? Medicated, for one, but in life I’m kind of at the end of this chapter, I think. I have been seeing Mr. Beetle, who is still quite adamant that his marriage is ending and honestly I haven’t had the courage to bring it up to him or press the issue further. The end of April is the deadline I set for myself. If he hasn’t done anything by then, I’ll confront him about it. God, I dread it already, I hope he hurries up. Part of me feels bad for seeing him, but it’s just dinner once or twice a week and on the understanding that he is estranged from his wife. It’s a very thin line to walk – I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because my parents were separated for four years and dating other people while they were married, but also I know how people can be and don’t want to be made a fool.

Needless to say, that’s all a mess. Currently looking to relocate to Columbus because, honestly, I don’t want to damage my relationship with my mother any worse than it is already. A few nights after the fight I ended up having to talk to a crisis line because I thought I might actually hurt myself. They recommended I leave the situation if Mom stayed with him because he had obviously been causing me great mental anguish for a long time and I wasn’t going to heal if he was still in my life in any capacity. I told Mom as much in a letter I taped to her door (sadly it had gotten so bad that I had to write in all caps at the top of the letter that it wasn’t a suicide note). I told her that she would always be my mother no matter what, but that I would have to distance myself from her if she continued seeing David. And she did.

Like, I feel ridiculous because I’m 25 and certainly not a child, but that is actual betrayal. It hurts, bad. It seems dramatic to say it this way, but she chose a man over her kid. And I know I’m not alone in thinking that way – I’ve been somewhat estranged from both of my older sisters for the past few months and even both of them are on my side. My oldest sister doesn’t have anything to do with Mom’s boyfriend and hasn’t for a long time – her sons, my nephews, have refused to even come up to our house for close to two years because they hate him so much. So she knows firsthand.

I don’t know. I have a career meeting on the phone here in about 20 minutes from my college about work placement, so hopefully they’ll get me on the right track. I looked at apartments last week in the Columbus area, just to get an idea of price range. Basically I’ll need $15/hr fulltime or $2000 a month-ish to be able to swing living alone. I’m hoping graduating in May with my BA will help me.

2017 has already proven itself to be a year of great change. Here’s to hoping it starts changing for the better.

Dee

The Mess Deepens

Fuck.

Okay, first off, sorry. I’ve never really been the bloggy type, so this is new and I forget it’s a thing. Sorry sorry sorry for the long gap in posts.

So. Fuck.

Mr. Beetle is back in my life and, apparently, he has intentions to leave his marriage. I asked him if that decision was independent of me, like he was going to do it anyway and he said yes. I don’t know, like of course I want to believe him, I’ve been crazy about him for a long time. But you hear about this sort of thing all the time and it hardly ever works out, like it’s almost always a lie but I want to believe him so bad.

But, I digress.

Right now I’m sitting here watching Angel aaaand that’s about all I’ve been doing lately. I need a job. I had a lead on one that I was soooo excited about, it’s working from home, but you have mandatory training for two weeks in January and guess who got chosen as a petit juror for the month of January? This is my life. I think for about three seconds that maybe I have a path and then the wind blows, the dirt scatters, and the path is gone.

Let’s see…I bought a pepper plant? Well, a dying pepper plant on clearance for a quarter. I thought it might give my life some meaning to revive it, but so far it’s not bouncing back so great. To be fair it was probably a lost cause anyway with winter weather setting in, but it looked so pitiful that I couldn’t pass it up.

NaNoWriMo didn’t happen this month, not with these intense classes I’m in. I’m beyond ready for this degree to be done and over. Done in May, done in May, done in May. That’s all I can keep telling myself. I decided for the time being to hold off on the master’s to let my brain breathe for a little bit.

I guess my current goal right now is to get employed and get out of this house. I need my own place. I need a space that is just mine. The big city about an hour north of here is looking more and welcoming, I’ve even run some price checks on rent in different neighborhoods. I think if I can get a job making around $2000 a month, I can swing it. So that’s my goal right now, to get as close to that as humanly possible.

Oh! I started taking/selling Plexus. And in the first two weeks I GAINED TEN POUNDS. Not sure I’m completely sold on it. But, I started taking an additional product and dropped eight of the ten in a week, so I’m still up two but going to give it another month to see. I mean, honestly, at this point what does it matter, I’m near the heaviest I’ve ever been. Since I quit smoking in July, I put on 30 pounds (now minus eight).

Other than those few updates, there’s nothing new. Started selling my stuff to get some extra cash. Trying to get my hands on a NES Classic just like everyone else. Still miserable. Nothing new.

Dee

Breaking It Off

In an earlier post I mentioned (with much chagrin) my attachment to a man who I found out was married…three years into our off-and-on internet…thing.

We never said we were dating. The closest we got was him telling me it was okay to change my Facebook status to it’s complicated less than a week before I found out about his wife. I say “found out” because he didn’t tell me. Things were (at least on my end) seeming a lot more serious, but something wasn’t sitting right in my stomach and I did a little extensive online snooping.

I was furious. Told him as much, told him I didn’t want to talk to him again. I decided (after being in a situation similar to this before and doing some extra psychologist-driven research) not to tell his wife. Thing was, he’s a bit of a pushover and I started to suspect maybe he just let getting married happen. I mean, that’s probably me just rationalizing it in my head, but I honestly think he wasn’t happy to begin with. Or maybe I’m too forgiving slash incredibly stupid. One or the other.

Anyway, it gets smoothed over after he sends a message a week into our silence. He said he wants to be friends. Enter my self-loathing moral compass. What do you do? How do you react when you know it’s wrong even if it is just being friends? The sad part was even if it never was date-ish, we would make really good friends. Same exact humor into the same things, just got each other, you know. I hated that it ended up the way it did because I wanted him in my life in some capacity.

Friends? Sure, I can do friends. Until it stopped being friends again about two months after. It stopped being friends and became more than it was before – talking on the phone for hours, texting all day. I was stuck in this place where I knew it was wrong and wanted to correct it, but was horrified to lose my chance at having someone who got me.

The thing was I couldn’t have him. He couldn’t be mine how I wanted him. And no amount of him hinting at leaving his wife would change it most likely.

Two days ago we got into a fight. He said I was pulling away, he had a bad feeling about me coming down to Florida like a fight would happen. And then it did. But, see, I’ve been wanting to throw the brakes on and he was full-steam ahead…so I told him I couldn’t be what he wanted and he couldn’t be what I wanted. I told him I could be his friend, but if I ever got a boyfriend that I would have to stop talking to him. He didn’t like that. I think maybe because that was a poor reflection of him that he talked to me while married, but I wouldn’t do the same with a boyfriend.

He blamed me. Said it was that attitude of mine that kept him from opening up to me, a problem which had come up many times. Told me he needed someone who could help keep him stable while he gathered the courage to leave his wife and get his own place. I told him I couldn’t be that person and to stop looking for someone to be his catalyst to change. I couldn’t be that for him, not for a married man who lied to me for three years. It may be awful to assume the worst in people, but at some point you have to realize that more than likely in that situation he’s still lying.

He told me what I said wasn’t fair. I told him I was not the kind of person to wait around while he decided if I was worthy enough to leave his wife for. He read the message and has not responded.

So, I guess that’s it. I guess we’re done. No more married men. Or men in general, with how I’m feeling right now. On the plus side, I did that fun hair and ring baby thing on Facebook and it said I would have a daughter and a son so, dear god, someone has to find me attractive enough that I can get laid. Twice.

I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad, I think, as awful as it is to feel that way. I don’t know, I had just started to get my hopes up about him more than I ever had anyone else. The thought of completely starting over seems so…scary. But it’s necessary.

Anyway, I’m off to Islands of Adventure and then Halloween Horror Nights. Today is my last night in Orlando (spent the last two days at Disney parks) and tomorrow I am off for Tennessee to visit another friend, then continuing home to Ohio on Monday.