In an earlier post I mentioned (with much chagrin) my attachment to a man who I found out was married…three years into our off-and-on internet…thing.
We never said we were dating. The closest we got was him telling me it was okay to change my Facebook status to it’s complicated less than a week before I found out about his wife. I say “found out” because he didn’t tell me. Things were (at least on my end) seeming a lot more serious, but something wasn’t sitting right in my stomach and I did a little extensive online snooping.
I was furious. Told him as much, told him I didn’t want to talk to him again. I decided (after being in a situation similar to this before and doing some extra psychologist-driven research) not to tell his wife. Thing was, he’s a bit of a pushover and I started to suspect maybe he just let getting married happen. I mean, that’s probably me just rationalizing it in my head, but I honestly think he wasn’t happy to begin with. Or maybe I’m too forgiving slash incredibly stupid. One or the other.
Anyway, it gets smoothed over after he sends a message a week into our silence. He said he wants to be friends. Enter my self-loathing moral compass. What do you do? How do you react when you know it’s wrong even if it is just being friends? The sad part was even if it never was date-ish, we would make really good friends. Same exact humor into the same things, just got each other, you know. I hated that it ended up the way it did because I wanted him in my life in some capacity.
Friends? Sure, I can do friends. Until it stopped being friends again about two months after. It stopped being friends and became more than it was before – talking on the phone for hours, texting all day. I was stuck in this place where I knew it was wrong and wanted to correct it, but was horrified to lose my chance at having someone who got me.
The thing was I couldn’t have him. He couldn’t be mine how I wanted him. And no amount of him hinting at leaving his wife would change it most likely.
Two days ago we got into a fight. He said I was pulling away, he had a bad feeling about me coming down to Florida like a fight would happen. And then it did. But, see, I’ve been wanting to throw the brakes on and he was full-steam ahead…so I told him I couldn’t be what he wanted and he couldn’t be what I wanted. I told him I could be his friend, but if I ever got a boyfriend that I would have to stop talking to him. He didn’t like that. I think maybe because that was a poor reflection of him that he talked to me while married, but I wouldn’t do the same with a boyfriend.
He blamed me. Said it was that attitude of mine that kept him from opening up to me, a problem which had come up many times. Told me he needed someone who could help keep him stable while he gathered the courage to leave his wife and get his own place. I told him I couldn’t be that person and to stop looking for someone to be his catalyst to change. I couldn’t be that for him, not for a married man who lied to me for three years. It may be awful to assume the worst in people, but at some point you have to realize that more than likely in that situation he’s still lying.
He told me what I said wasn’t fair. I told him I was not the kind of person to wait around while he decided if I was worthy enough to leave his wife for. He read the message and has not responded.
So, I guess that’s it. I guess we’re done. No more married men. Or men in general, with how I’m feeling right now. On the plus side, I did that fun hair and ring baby thing on Facebook and it said I would have a daughter and a son so, dear god, someone has to find me attractive enough that I can get laid. Twice.
I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad, I think, as awful as it is to feel that way. I don’t know, I had just started to get my hopes up about him more than I ever had anyone else. The thought of completely starting over seems so…scary. But it’s necessary.
Anyway, I’m off to Islands of Adventure and then Halloween Horror Nights. Today is my last night in Orlando (spent the last two days at Disney parks) and tomorrow I am off for Tennessee to visit another friend, then continuing home to Ohio on Monday.