Breaking It Off

In an earlier post I mentioned (with much chagrin) my attachment to a man who I found out was married…three years into our off-and-on internet…thing.

We never said we were dating. The closest we got was him telling me it was okay to change my Facebook status to it’s complicated less than a week before I found out about his wife. I say “found out” because he didn’t tell me. Things were (at least on my end) seeming a lot more serious, but something wasn’t sitting right in my stomach and I did a little extensive online snooping.

I was furious. Told him as much, told him I didn’t want to talk to him again. I decided (after being in a situation similar to this before and doing some extra psychologist-driven research) not to tell his wife. Thing was, he’s a bit of a pushover and I started to suspect maybe he just let getting married happen. I mean, that’s probably me just rationalizing it in my head, but I honestly think he wasn’t happy to begin with. Or maybe I’m too forgiving slash incredibly stupid. One or the other.

Anyway, it gets smoothed over after he sends a message a week into our silence. He said he wants to be friends. Enter my self-loathing moral compass. What do you do? How do you react when you know it’s wrong even if it is just being friends? The sad part was even if it never was date-ish, we would make really good friends. Same exact humor into the same things, just got each other, you know. I hated that it ended up the way it did because I wanted him in my life in some capacity.

Friends? Sure, I can do friends. Until it stopped being friends again about two months after. It stopped being friends and became more than it was before – talking on the phone for hours, texting all day. I was stuck in this place where I knew it was wrong and wanted to correct it, but was horrified to lose my chance at having someone who got me.

The thing was I couldn’t have him. He couldn’t be mine how I wanted him. And no amount of him hinting at leaving his wife would change it most likely.

Two days ago we got into a fight. He said I was pulling away, he had a bad feeling about me coming down to Florida like a fight would happen. And then it did. But, see, I’ve been wanting to throw the brakes on and he was full-steam ahead…so I told him I couldn’t be what he wanted and he couldn’t be what I wanted. I told him I could be his friend, but if I ever got a boyfriend that I would have to stop talking to him. He didn’t like that. I think maybe because that was a poor reflection of him that he talked to me while married, but I wouldn’t do the same with a boyfriend.

He blamed me. Said it was that attitude of mine that kept him from opening up to me, a problem which had come up many times. Told me he needed someone who could help keep him stable while he gathered the courage to leave his wife and get his own place. I told him I couldn’t be that person and to stop looking for someone to be his catalyst to change. I couldn’t be that for him, not for a married man who lied to me for three years. It may be awful to assume the worst in people, but at some point you have to realize that more than likely in that situation he’s still lying.

He told me what I said wasn’t fair. I told him I was not the kind of person to wait around while he decided if I was worthy enough to leave his wife for. He read the message and has not responded.

So, I guess that’s it. I guess we’re done. No more married men. Or men in general, with how I’m feeling right now. On the plus side, I did that fun hair and ring baby thing on Facebook and it said I would have a daughter and a son so, dear god, someone has to find me attractive enough that I can get laid. Twice.

I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad, I think, as awful as it is to feel that way. I don’t know, I had just started to get my hopes up about him more than I ever had anyone else. The thought of completely starting over seems so…scary. But it’s necessary.

Anyway, I’m off to Islands of Adventure and then Halloween Horror Nights. Today is my last night in Orlando (spent the last two days at Disney parks) and tomorrow I am off for Tennessee to visit another friend, then continuing home to Ohio on Monday.

 

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First Day of Unemployment

Here’s how it happened:

I knew months ago that it was coming to this. I’d gotten a transfer from a small branch to a more busy location last November and thought I was escaping what had become a miserable living,but little did I know I was jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. It seemed my (now ex-)manager always had one person to pick on. And I was that person.

There was not a thing I could do right. And not to sound snotty (as I’m perfectly aware I was no perfect employee), but I was pretty good at my job. Civil service suited me well and I’m good with the public. My manager, on the other hand, was not. There is a line of work meant for her somewhere, but working with the public is not her thing. She regularly approached patrons with absolute sass, pointed looks, and once (not kidding) I saw her raise her palm to someone’s face so they would be quiet.

Imagine how she could be to her employees if she was like that to patrons. Now imagine how terrible it would be to be her particular favorite. For months I said nothing. It wasn’t until the beginning of this past summer that a coworker finally whispered to me, “How do you smile through it?”

It wasn’t just me. I wasn’t being overly sensitive (having anxiety I tell myself often the problem is me). Someone else had seen. No matter how much I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, I couldn’t keep my manager from her own actions. By the end of the summer the rest of my coworkers (seven in my building, one sub) had made comments to me. They wanted to know how I kept my mouth shut, they begged me to go to HR, they wondered why she was so verbal with me and not the others.

At this point, I had been taking my lunches in my car so I could cry. I would be on my drive home from work and already anxious to go in the next day. Even at home I stopped leaving my bedroom because I couldn’t concentrate on anything anyway, not even a small conversation. I lived for my days off which slowly become just as bad because my homework was slipping and those were catch-up days.

July 19th was the day it was decided. I sat in my car on lunch, chain-smoking and trying not to cry from the latest snide comment. I was done. Completely and totally done. I pulled the notebook from my purse and started running the numbers. If I cancelled my gym membership (which, let’s be honest, was not being used) and paid off my credit cards, it was doable…if I quit smoking. Cigarettes made up a big portion of my budget (roughly $200 a month). Let me put it this way so you understand how desperate I was feeling – I started smoking young and had smoked a pack a day for ten years…and it was no question. I called the quit line (1-800-QUIT-NOW, it’s free) right then, while on my lunch. It was settled – they would provide patches and I was quitting the following Tuesday.

The coaching sessions with the quit line were quite candid. No, I was not quitting for health. I was quitting so I could quit my job. I really think that was all that got me through it. As of today, I’m on day 73 tobacco-free.

Everything went great for three weeks until my piece of garbage car bit the dust and, ta-da, I had to finance a new one. Slight damper in my plans. But I would not be discouraged…I was getting the hell out of my job. I reworked my finances and got it to a manageable balance. I live and eat at home and get enough money on the side to pay for my car and Netflix, so I’m golden. There’s not going to be any eating out, but I’ve got a safe car, instant show streaming, and still able to quit my job.

So, I did. Yesterday was my last day and, honestly, I don’t think I’ll regret it. I’ve got money to last me through May, so right now I plan on taking a few weeks off to just veg out and realign my life. I plan on participating in NaNoWriMo this year and having two books of a new series finished by the year’s end, so I can throw them up on Kindle Direct and hopefully bring in a little more pocket money.

There is also the option of going on to get my MA next fall, but that’s for another post and another huge issue (debt).

So that’s my background. That’s a large reason why I had a minor meltdown and left my job. I don’t plan on many posts being this lengthy, but the first few will probably be to build a foundation. God, I don’t even know if anyone will read any of this, but if you do – thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read, I’ll try my best to be worthy of your time.

Dee

´╗┐Leading Up to This

So you’re interested in watching someone’s life fall apart. Then introductions are in order.

The Truths of My Life:

  1. I tend to date men who forget to tell me they’re married.
  2. I’ve started to hate my job.
  3. I’ve always had a resistance to settling down.
  4. I’ve been fat since I can remember.
  5. I own way too much shit.
  6. I’m an American millennial. I was destined for heavy debt.

All of which have been manageable for the past few years and would continue to be so if I hadn’t

7.  Spent the last few years dreading my 25th birthday.

It was a birthday which recently came and went. Often 30 bothers people, or 40, or 50. But everyone gets one birthday to dread and 25 was mine.

So, how did I react to these TML?

  1. I cut the cheating husbands (bastards) off and one, goddamn it, charmed his way back in. More on that in a future post.
  2. I quit my job and tomorrow is my last day. I’ve quite possibly lost my mind.
  3. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’ll end up. A ditch is probable.
  4. Still fat. In fact I gained more weight.
  5. Still have too much shit despite constant purges.
  6. To alleviate my debt I bought a car (because that makes sense and is in no way a direct issue with the above number two).
  7. I cried a lot and still do, but went and watched Bridget Jones which was probably the most appropriate thing I’ve ever done in my life.

My name is Dee and I’ve been in the process of a complete fucking meltdown for the past two months. I thought at the very least someone might get a laugh or, hell, even identify with it. I know I’d love to not feel so alone in my seeming inability to function as an adult.

Then I thought maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe it’s still possible to write myself into an underdog victory. I don’t have very good material to work with but, by god, I can have a decent life if I work for it. I can have a job I like. I can lose weight and maybe finally get around to having a skin regimen. I can manage debt and, longest shot of all, even see someone who finds me more worthy than side-chick status.

And so now those TML become Eventual Truths:

  1. I am capable of finding actual love if I decide it suits me.
  2. I will find a job that not only pays well, but that I genuinely enjoy.
  3. I will own a home, though I may not yet know where.
  4. I will lose weight, not only for vanity but for health. Mostly vanity, though.
  5. I will minimize my things, be they clothes or stress.
  6. I will manage my debt and be (largely) debt-free in ten years.
  7. The dreaded birthday has come and gone, so the rest will be better from here.

Since this was an introductory post and since it turned into a bunch of lists, here are five things about me.

  1. My MB type is ENFJ.
  2. I am a Libra.
  3. I’m currently in my senior year (Major: Creative Writing, Minor: History).
  4. I am the youngest of three girls. My oldest sister has three boys. My middle sister had three girls. There is a lot of pressure for three more boys.
  5. I just asked my mother for a random fact about me (she has no idea about this blog) and she instantly replied, “You’re stubborn.” So there’s that.

Looking forward to this journey,

Dee