Five Nights at Dee’s

Although my life isn’t quite as frightening as Five Nights at Freddy’s, I feel like I can definitely give it a run for its money.

So here we are on evening number five being home alone. The first three nights Mom was working evenings at the hospital, yesterday she stayed at Asshat’s new shit apartment and today (while at a school function for my oldest niece) she tells me she’s staying at Asshat’s again.

Listen, I’m not one of those clingy dependent kids that can’t stand being alone. But right now I’m in a bad funk. I mean, not even a funk – call a spade a spade – I’m in a bout of depression. I think it’s just going to take some time to get used to this Celexa.

Anyway, Mom knows I’m having a hard time. I actually talked to her on the first night she worked the hospital. I was crying and told her it was depressed and difficult to be alone in the evenings. You would think that would make her worried or something, but she’s not. I don’t know, I try not to be so selfish about it, but there’s a lot of issues with my mom. Not only with me, but with my two older sisters as well.

I’m closer with my mom than my sisters and I think that has caused a bit of jealousy on their part toward me. I think the difference in relationship is due to the age difference – my oldest sister is 17 years older than me and my middle sister is 14 years older. Coming into Mom’s later life made a difference because she was already established with her career and also my dad was her second marriage and treat’s me a lot better than Big and Middle’s dad treated them. Mom, though…there’s just something wrong with her? I don’t know. She’s hilarious. Unintentionally hilarious, which I think is the best sort. But she’s just…emotionally detached. Her mom, my granny, was the same way Big and Middle say. I was fairly young when she died, so I didn’t really grasp that detachment out of her yet.

I distinctly remember feeling very depressed as a teenager and trying to talk to Mom about it. Instead of listening or letting me talk about it, she paid me $20 to leave the house. I don’t know why I keep letting myself get upset over her. I guess I just want her – just once – to set other things aside for me, especially at a time when I’m struggling. Or for god’s sake, at least have the decency not to stay at Asshat’s apartment for two nights in a row when you know I’m struggling. Like that isn’t a lot to ask for.

I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of reflection on my relationship with my parents the past two days. On Thursday, my best friend’s biological father was found dead from heroin overdose. My best friend was adopted by his capital-d Dad when we were quite young, but still I think he held on to hope that his lowercase-d dad would patch things up with him and turn his life around. The last time he talked to his dad, they were supposed to meet up. His dad never showed up. Understandably, he’s quite conflicted.

It just made me reflect on the relationship I have with my parents. I guess I’ve just come to the realization that they’re my parents. And they’ll always be my parents. They’re just human and sometimes make hurtful decisions, but they still made me and for the most part made sure I was taken care of. I’m fat enough to prove they fed me. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not a drug addict, and I’m only on 10mg of Celexa, so they did an okay job.

But also I’m an adult. And realizing that and the freedom that comes with that helps me to know I can distance myself if I need to. It would take a lot for my to completely cut a family member out and we’re not talking anything near as drastic, but like…I think I need distance for a healthy brain. I think I would feel better being alone if it was self-inflicted and I was living alone rather than living with someone else and feeling forgotten.

I feel silly for saying that. Silly and childish. But that’s the reality of how I feel.

Dee

Accidental Professions of Love

Oh, holy jesus.

So there I was, taking a nice relaxing bath when Mr. Beetle called.

Actually, first let me set this scene a little better. He and I have this thing where we’re competitive over anything. If he says he misses me, I always say no, I miss you more and so on and so forth.

Okay, so I’m lounging in the bath when Mr. Beetle calls. We’re talking about all the normal things and get on one of our competitive streaks. He said something (I can’t remember what) and I said I did that more. And then he said he was going to buy himself a trophy that said he was better. I replied I was going to get myself an even bigger trophy that said I was “betterer” and then he said he was “betterer” and missed me more. And I don’t know why I said it, but I said I would get mine inscribed in even bigger font saying I loved him more.

Thank god I was on the phone and he didn’t see the immediate horror on my face. I instantly kicked my foot and made a splash noise and said, “Oh, shoot, kicked the stupid body wash over.” PROMPTLY carried the conversation elsewhere and he didn’t say a word.

So, like…I don’t even know if he caught it. He continued as if I hadn’t said it, but he might have been being polite since I so abruptly carried the conversation on to something else. I should also note that he accidentally told me he loved me once. It was in a moment of, er, passion shall we say, so I overlooked it. And by overlooked, I mean I told him I was going to beat his effing ass for saying that to me under the circumstances.

I don’t know. I feel a lot of anxiety over it. And I’m too mortified to say anything to anyone I actually know (considering very few people even know I’m seeing him). I guess for right now this blunder is best left in anonymity.

Whether or not I love him is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. I think that he’s really quite wonderful. And I know I’ve said I’ve loved men before who pale in comparison to him. I’ve never felt like anyone how I feel about Mr. Beetle. But I just really want to make sure I do it right this time. Which I might have already mucked up.

I mean, it could be a Freudian slip, right? Is that a sign?

Dee

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So, as lame as it may seem to some of you, I’ve spent a large part of the last six years participating and running online role-playing games (RPG). A large enough part that the majority of friends I talk to on the daily are my friends from the internet.

Anyway, I got into a really bad argument yesterday and am no longer speaking with half of my good friends (or participating in that RPG). So, yeah – just gonna keep heading down my road to self-isolation. Add those friends to my growing list of estrangements.

So that’s fun. I had a career meeting this morning through Skype and honestly as much a I want/need a job, it’s going to kill me waking up early. As soon at the meeting was over, I peeled myself out of that button-down and those slacks, slid right back into my pajamas, and crawled back under my heated blanket. So we can also add that to a list of things which make me pathetic.

Cue Bridget Jones, Under the Tuscan Sun, and every other movie detailing comical single women who would, in actual reality, be quite sad.

I’m seeing Mr. Beetle tonight, so I suppose that’s a plus. I mean, I know it’s a plus. I’m kind of wild about him, which only complicates the situation further. He’s just…so different, you know? He treats me well. I mean, remarkably well. Every time I see him, he’s got a gift for me. Even if it’s just something small. And he calls me probably six or seven times a day. And always pays for dinner, even if I protest. And has gotten mad the two times I’ve made him let me pay.

Maybe I’ll devote a post about him later, but Mom is wanting to go to lunch and needing me to run her around.

Until next time~

Dee

Looking Forward

I realize now that yesterday’s post was just one big bitch fest and I apologize. I think it was necessary because I needed a platform to tell what really happened, even if my audience is composed of complete strangers to whom I now probably seem crazy.

If you read yesterday’s post and you’re still here – thank you.

This is not a bitch blog and I don’t want to give the impression that it was. I’ve just had a very bad few months and there was no way for me to go forward with a personal blog without having gotten it off my chest. I actually feel loads better knowing it’s out there in the open.



I’ve just gotten off track and clicked that button twice and now there’s two lines and I haven’t the slightest idea how to get rid of them. Sorry.

Okay, so going out with Mr. Beetle tonight. Going to have Japanese and then play Pokémon, I think. I’ve decided to dust off the old hot rollers in attempt to try something new which I’m sure will probably end horrifically as all my hair attempts do, but I just…want to look pretty, I guess. I have very thin and fine hair, so most hairstyles look awful and expose thin spots. Curls often cover it because I have very curl-prone hair, so I can get some major volume if I try at it. I just also have very frizzy hair, so there’s a thin line to walk in taming it!

I have a career placement meeting Thursday with my college and a mock interview, so I’m trying to prepare for that. I’m rotten at interviews, though, so my nerves are shot and it’s not even a real interview!

As for actual work, I’ve started a few smaller streams of income that I can hopefully build up in the meantime. I’ve started a YouTube account and loaded a few videos doing that whole surprise toy opening thing (if you don’t know about it, you probably don’t have kids in your life). I’ve also been buying things on the cheap and flipping them (mostly stuff I’ve gotten from sales). A few months ago my sister and I hit some major sales and got some serious deals – I’m talking clothes and shoes for a quarter apiece. Cute clothes! My favorite maxi skirt and jeggings came from this sale and cost a quarter for each! We ended up spending about $50 together and we retailed at over $1200. Seriously. So I’ve been working through that stock and selling the clothes off on Facebook groups and Letgo. If you know of any better outlets for selling clothes, though, please let me know!

I recently read that you should have three hobbies: one to make you money, one to keep you fit, and one that you enjoy. So, I decided to pick up something I haven’t done since I was little – making paper from other recycled paper goods. If it goes as well as I remember it going, I might open an Etsy shop for recycled goods. So that’s a potential for hobby which makes me money.

As for keeping fit, that just sounds miserable. I’ve always dabbled in yoga, but that’s more for vegging me out and less for making me fit (let’s be honest, it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than yoga to get my ass in shape). I did, however, think maybe doing a 5k could be fun. I say that now from a very comfortable butterfly chair in which I have sat most of the day, only getting up to eat, pee, or take the dog out. But apparently there’s a program called Couch to 5k and it’s for absolute beginnings to get you ready in 30 days. And I’m not even necessarily saying I would run or even jog the whole thing. It just seems like something fun to do, I think.

As for hobby I enjoy, I may have too many of those already – eating, watching Netflix, playing Xbox, living a better life via Sims 4. What I’m going to do, though, is focus more on writing. It’s my passion and what I truly want to do with my life. And while I’m realistic and know being able to support myself off writing alone is a longshot, it’s not going to stop me. I would write no matter what and always will, even if it’s just for myself or friends. It’s just that big a part of me.

A real job is something I need, though. I’ve been scouring job boards for positions in Columbus (close enough to commute until I can move there) or remote positions. I think I mentioned this in yesterday’s post, but I’m look for fulltime $15/hr or salaried $24,000. I think I’ll be okay on that and can cover my expenses.

Good news: Dad had about a million totes in the attic for me to go through and he’s been saving me up stuff he finds at auctions or estate sales, which is kind of his thing. I pretty much have everything except cutlery and a dinette set. Seriously, he’s got two totes of our older towels that he put up from the divorce, he’s got two totes of pots, pans, and kitchen utensils. He even put up a napkin holder for me! And I didn’t know he’d set aside out old leather couch and my grandma’s chair (which just needs reupholstered and it’s a quick tack job). So I’m actually in pretty good shape. Just minor stuff and things I can deal without at first.

It’s just getting the job and getting out of here. But things are looking up!

Dee

Real Actual Meltdown

I’ve not posted and I apologize. I know I mentioned before that I don’t usually do the whole blogging thing, so it’s hard enough getting into the habit of writing on here, but also I had a legitimate meltdown. Like I know I joke that I was having a meltdown, but I had a real honest to god meltdown.

Let me set the scene. My anxiety has already been at an all-time high since I quit smoking last July (in one week it’ll be my seven month anniversary!!). Add on top of that the stress of senior undergraduate courses, leaving my job, and dealing with my mom’s asshat boyfriend.

And that latter thing is what finally pushed me over the edge. In my absolute defense, I’ve dealt with seven years of emotional and verbal abuse out of the prick and the quickest way to push my temper over the edge is talking down to one of my family members.

Well, he did. My best friend was coming up to stay the night on a Thursday and Mom and I told him we were going to clean out the guest room so there would be somewhere for my friend to sleep (since his junk was piled so high in the guest room it seriously looked like a dump).  Cue him flipping out because he didn’t want us breaking his stuff and also just-exactly-how-long-will-her-friend-be-here because it was his mattress in the guest room and he didn’t want someone sleeping on his mattress when his grandsons were supposed to come over on Saturday and where would they sleep?

Seriously. This is how fucking ridiculous he is.

Mom had enough and told him she wanted him to get his stuff and get out. So she and I went to dinner while he got his stuff, took our time so we wouldn’t run into him at home and when we got home…he was sitting in the recliner watching basketball. Mom instantly sent me back to my room because she knew there had been some serious pressure mounting between the two of us. So there I was…25 years old and sent to my bedroom.

Well, my bedroom doorway I should say. He couldn’t see me from my door but Mom could and she kept shooting me warning glances to close my door.

Sorry. Not gonna happen.

“I want you out of my house,” she said.

“I don’t care,” he replied.

I could feel my blood boiling from the doorway of my bedroom. Mom knew and shot me another warning look. I managed to stay still until I heard his cocky voice say to my mother, “You need to quit running that mouth.”

I honestly swear I had no control over my feet. Buddy, I flew out there. It got nasty. There was lots of name calling being tossed around, which led to him being in my face, which led to me…sort of…pushing him. And possibly punching him in the face.

He punched back. Then it was all over the place. He grabbed me and tried to throw me through the sliding glass door. We were all over each other and my mother just sat and watched, occasionally yelling for us to stop but otherwise not getting close to us.

At one point he punched the side of my head and my glasses went flying. I held my hands up behind me and said to stop while I tried to kick them out of the way. That may seem silly, but I’ve got horrible eyesight and when you only know where one pair of glasses is and they’re on the ground about to be stomped to pieces, you’d be quick to stop, too.

While I was distracted he punched me in the mouth, tackled me to the ground, and had my fingers bent back so far I remember thinking he was going to break them. I don’t mention that to try and sway the argument in my favor – like, I completely own that I was the first person to push him and accept all subsequent violence from him following that – but merely I mention it because that’s how the fight ended. After some nasty words spat in my face, he stood up, went to the bedroom, grabbed some clothes and was gone (after stopping at my bedroom door and trying to hug me because he knew he’d fucked up).

That was mid-January. Mom said she didn’t know what she was going to do without him and completely turned it around on me. Even called all her friends and told them the story of how I flipped out and started a fight with him, but has conveniently left out that she was trying to kick him out and he was being an ass about it in the first place.

The two weeks following the fight were, quite possibly, the worst of my life. My anxiety had already been high enough and that was just what it needed to push me over the edge. Just in the first week following, I dropped 10 lbs. I was extremely depressed, disappointed that I’d let him get the best of me and feeling a sense of betrayal that my mom would make me look worse in order to make herself look better because she is still seeing him.

I ended up going to the doctor who did not necessarily diagnose me, but believes in my self-diagnosis of High Functioning Anxiety Disorder, which is just a fancy way of saying I have horrible anxiety all the time, but I’m really good at hiding it. Usually by the time people notice something is wrong, it’s really wrong. So he put me on 10mg/day of Celexa (well, the generic) and I go for my month check-up this coming Friday. Depending on how he thinks I’m doing, he might adjust it to a higher dose or keep it steady, but I will say I have felt a lot better just knowing it is in my system.

As I mentioned, Mom is still seeing asshat and part of me is having a hard time forgiving her for that. I hate to say that because she’s my mom, but like, you know, I could have gotten arrested trying to get him out of the house for her, have cried and begged her several times since not to get back with him, and yet I’ve just been blown off for dinner plans again so she can go meet him.

So, where does that leave me? Medicated, for one, but in life I’m kind of at the end of this chapter, I think. I have been seeing Mr. Beetle, who is still quite adamant that his marriage is ending and honestly I haven’t had the courage to bring it up to him or press the issue further. The end of April is the deadline I set for myself. If he hasn’t done anything by then, I’ll confront him about it. God, I dread it already, I hope he hurries up. Part of me feels bad for seeing him, but it’s just dinner once or twice a week and on the understanding that he is estranged from his wife. It’s a very thin line to walk – I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because my parents were separated for four years and dating other people while they were married, but also I know how people can be and don’t want to be made a fool.

Needless to say, that’s all a mess. Currently looking to relocate to Columbus because, honestly, I don’t want to damage my relationship with my mother any worse than it is already. A few nights after the fight I ended up having to talk to a crisis line because I thought I might actually hurt myself. They recommended I leave the situation if Mom stayed with him because he had obviously been causing me great mental anguish for a long time and I wasn’t going to heal if he was still in my life in any capacity. I told Mom as much in a letter I taped to her door (sadly it had gotten so bad that I had to write in all caps at the top of the letter that it wasn’t a suicide note). I told her that she would always be my mother no matter what, but that I would have to distance myself from her if she continued seeing David. And she did.

Like, I feel ridiculous because I’m 25 and certainly not a child, but that is actual betrayal. It hurts, bad. It seems dramatic to say it this way, but she chose a man over her kid. And I know I’m not alone in thinking that way – I’ve been somewhat estranged from both of my older sisters for the past few months and even both of them are on my side. My oldest sister doesn’t have anything to do with Mom’s boyfriend and hasn’t for a long time – her sons, my nephews, have refused to even come up to our house for close to two years because they hate him so much. So she knows firsthand.

I don’t know. I have a career meeting on the phone here in about 20 minutes from my college about work placement, so hopefully they’ll get me on the right track. I looked at apartments last week in the Columbus area, just to get an idea of price range. Basically I’ll need $15/hr fulltime or $2000 a month-ish to be able to swing living alone. I’m hoping graduating in May with my BA will help me.

2017 has already proven itself to be a year of great change. Here’s to hoping it starts changing for the better.

Dee

The Mess Deepens

Fuck.

Okay, first off, sorry. I’ve never really been the bloggy type, so this is new and I forget it’s a thing. Sorry sorry sorry for the long gap in posts.

So. Fuck.

Mr. Beetle is back in my life and, apparently, he has intentions to leave his marriage. I asked him if that decision was independent of me, like he was going to do it anyway and he said yes. I don’t know, like of course I want to believe him, I’ve been crazy about him for a long time. But you hear about this sort of thing all the time and it hardly ever works out, like it’s almost always a lie but I want to believe him so bad.

But, I digress.

Right now I’m sitting here watching Angel aaaand that’s about all I’ve been doing lately. I need a job. I had a lead on one that I was soooo excited about, it’s working from home, but you have mandatory training for two weeks in January and guess who got chosen as a petit juror for the month of January? This is my life. I think for about three seconds that maybe I have a path and then the wind blows, the dirt scatters, and the path is gone.

Let’s see…I bought a pepper plant? Well, a dying pepper plant on clearance for a quarter. I thought it might give my life some meaning to revive it, but so far it’s not bouncing back so great. To be fair it was probably a lost cause anyway with winter weather setting in, but it looked so pitiful that I couldn’t pass it up.

NaNoWriMo didn’t happen this month, not with these intense classes I’m in. I’m beyond ready for this degree to be done and over. Done in May, done in May, done in May. That’s all I can keep telling myself. I decided for the time being to hold off on the master’s to let my brain breathe for a little bit.

I guess my current goal right now is to get employed and get out of this house. I need my own place. I need a space that is just mine. The big city about an hour north of here is looking more and welcoming, I’ve even run some price checks on rent in different neighborhoods. I think if I can get a job making around $2000 a month, I can swing it. So that’s my goal right now, to get as close to that as humanly possible.

Oh! I started taking/selling Plexus. And in the first two weeks I GAINED TEN POUNDS. Not sure I’m completely sold on it. But, I started taking an additional product and dropped eight of the ten in a week, so I’m still up two but going to give it another month to see. I mean, honestly, at this point what does it matter, I’m near the heaviest I’ve ever been. Since I quit smoking in July, I put on 30 pounds (now minus eight).

Other than those few updates, there’s nothing new. Started selling my stuff to get some extra cash. Trying to get my hands on a NES Classic just like everyone else. Still miserable. Nothing new.

Dee

A Distraction

Okay, so we’ll call the married guy Mr. Beetle. I’m lame and come up with code names – and he likes VW so, there. Beetle.

I know I mentioned in a previous post that Mr. Beetle and I got into a bit of an argument and haven’t spoken. That was, I think, last Wednesday. And we still haven’t. But, the thing is I’m struggling and trying not to text him. The whole thing has made me panic a bit, I think because I had gotten comfortable with him and so the thought of having to get close to someone again has got me on edge.

It’s also a difficult week for this because I’m home from vacation and also on a break from school this week, so there’s not much to distract me. Because of that (and not wanting to make a whole pointless post on how angst is killing me) I’ll finally write a post about my weight.

This is not easy. I’ve been overweight literally since I can remember (though pictures tell me I started to gain weight around the second grade). My weight is something shared only with my doctor and my family, most often with my eyes cast down at the floor. When I lived in Florida for my internship, I lost 40 lbs. in five months, but have packed it all back on and then some since being home. Even online and anonymous, I can’t bring myself to say my weight.

I need to talk about my weight and cover my attempts at losing it, but because I can’t bring myself to say it I have a system to disguise it. Because I’m an idiot, honestly, like what does it matter if a bunch of strangers know? As silly as it sounds, I was bullied horribly in high school (enough that my parents pulled me and put me in a new school) and the thought of openly writing about my weight is giving me images of harassment through comments. Realistically do I think this will happen? No. The people following this blog all seem so kind. But there are malicious people in the world and once you’ve spent time at their mercy, you tend to avoid anything that might attract that kind of attention again.

I made up a system that consists of blocks of weight so I can openly talk about my weight and give readers a point of reference and comparison.

Current weight: 55 blocks

First goal: 46 blocks

Second goal: 42 blocks

Third goal: 38 blocks

Final goal: 34 blocks

It’s not the trickiest of systems and anyone with a brain could figure it out, but at least now I have deniability! Plus, I’ll likely switch over to pounds once I lose a little weight, but for now we’re on blocks.

I’m going to focus on low-carb/high-protein, which is how I lost the 40 lbs. when I lived in Florida. My body type is endomorph, so I’ll definitely need to focus on trying to get at least a half hour of cardio in every day. I did, however, have to get rid of my gym membership and have no equipment. Does anyone have any good cardio exercises that don’t require equipment (other than power walking or jogging)?

Any low-carb/high-protein recipes are also welcome!

Dee