Oh, holy jesus.
So there I was, taking a nice relaxing bath when Mr. Beetle called.
Actually, first let me set this scene a little better. He and I have this thing where we’re competitive over anything. If he says he misses me, I always say no, I miss you more and so on and so forth.
Okay, so I’m lounging in the bath when Mr. Beetle calls. We’re talking about all the normal things and get on one of our competitive streaks. He said something (I can’t remember what) and I said I did that more. And then he said he was going to buy himself a trophy that said he was better. I replied I was going to get myself an even bigger trophy that said I was “betterer” and then he said he was “betterer” and missed me more. And I don’t know why I said it, but I said I would get mine inscribed in even bigger font saying I loved him more.
Thank god I was on the phone and he didn’t see the immediate horror on my face. I instantly kicked my foot and made a splash noise and said, “Oh, shoot, kicked the stupid body wash over.” PROMPTLY carried the conversation elsewhere and he didn’t say a word.
So, like…I don’t even know if he caught it. He continued as if I hadn’t said it, but he might have been being polite since I so abruptly carried the conversation on to something else. I should also note that he accidentally told me he loved me once. It was in a moment of, er, passion shall we say, so I overlooked it. And by overlooked, I mean I told him I was going to beat his effing ass for saying that to me under the circumstances.
I don’t know. I feel a lot of anxiety over it. And I’m too mortified to say anything to anyone I actually know (considering very few people even know I’m seeing him). I guess for right now this blunder is best left in anonymity.
Whether or not I love him is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. I think that he’s really quite wonderful. And I know I’ve said I’ve loved men before who pale in comparison to him. I’ve never felt like anyone how I feel about Mr. Beetle. But I just really want to make sure I do it right this time. Which I might have already mucked up.
I mean, it could be a Freudian slip, right? Is that a sign?