Off the Deep End

Hey, everyone.

I know I mentioned this in my last post (over a month ago), but I suck at updating. I’m going to chalk it up to crazy genes and hope things get better from here on out. In my defense, I’ve been out of the country. Actually, in the past month I’ve been in 14 different states and three countries. So, yeah, I’ve been a busy girl. I just got back from holiday in Mexico and Cuba with Big.

I graduated, so that happened. Got my diploma in the mail yesterday. Officially the holder of a BA – woo! That was a long process, but I feel proud of myself because I stuck through it even though I had several hiccups along the way. I can’t decide if I want to hop straight in for my Master’s or hold off (if I get it at all). I guess it depends on how quickly I can find a full-time job. Speaking of, right after this post (well, maybe after I go get my nails done), I’m going to sit down and find 4-5 positions to apply to. I lose my insurance this autumn when I turn 26, so now the pressure is on. I’m not sure how this new healthcare thing works exactly, but I think if I have a lapse in coverage then my “pre-existing conditions” come into play. And that huge list of conditions they released? I have like seven of them. So I’m in a time crunch now to not have any lapse.

Still seeing Mr. Beetle. Still wary as ever over it. But still crazy over him. Nothing has really changed other than me finally telling him he either needs to get his shit together or let me go. Will stay updated on developments.

Started the low-carb diet back up yesterday. It’s difficult to keep track of progress because my weight fluctuates so much. I’m four pounds lighter this morning than I was yesterday morning. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone or if maybe it’s just because I’m big, I have more water weight to lose through the night (we lose weight when we sleep by breathing out water vapors).

All I know is that after seeing pictures of myself on vacation, I don’t have a choice. I look like a big lard. I had Spam and eggs yesterday for lunch (okay, so the sodium is a little high…) and Chipotle bowl sans rice for dinner, so my carb intake was super low yesterday. I hope I can kick myself into ketosis within a few days. I have surgery on my hand Thursday, but after that heals up I’m going to start up with exercise.

I think that’s about it for an update? Hopefully next time I’ll have something a bit more exciting.

  • Dee
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A Long Two and a Half Weeks

Yes, yes, I’m aware I suck at updating. On April 12th I had surgery and I’ve been a little all over the place since then. So when I’m bad about updating under normal circumstances, I flat out suck when I’m not feeling well and under a steady stream of pain medications.

Things haven’t changed a bit. Actually Mom just interrupted my blogging with her steps clicking down the hall, wrenching open my door without a single knock, and muttering, “Asshat’s here,” as a warning not to leave my room. Well, you know, she used his actual name, but for the purposes of this blog, and my own petty soul – Asshat.

Last week Mom and I got into an enormous screaming match that resulted in both of us crying. I’m certainly not blameless, like I said some mean stuff, but never in my life has my mother yelled at me like that. It was awful. We both felt really rotten over it afterward. She told me it was my fault we’re so tight on money, that Asshat’s $1200 a month hurt her, to which I responded that I’ve told her since the night of the fight I would do anything to help with finances and she’s time and time again turned me down. She said it wasn’t like my writing jobs were real jobs anyway. I think she felt bad about that one as soon as it was out of her mouth.

Right now I’m writing articles for two companies, academic papers for another, and doing an editing internship for a publishing house, but the work is erratic – some ad hoc and other bids I have to place. I’ve been scouring job boards for remote full-time opportunities, but until then I am doing what I can. And I know it’s not a lot. I’m struggling with the bills I have (not to mention a vacation Big is making me go on in June), so I can’t help but feel her slip of the tongue was more her actual thoughts than something mean spat out to hurt me.

We apologized and things are semi-normal, but with my anxiety, I can’t help but be paranoid that this is how everyone sees me – a worthless person with a fake job. On my particularly bad nights, which have been a lot lately, I can’t help but agree with them. It’s gotten so bad, I’ve wondered whether I should ask them to up my Celexa dosage from 20mg to 40mg. If I wasn’t worried about picking smoking back up, I’d honestly would have been drinking a bit lately to take the edge off. That sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?

I’ve debated on whether or not I wanted to mention this, but it’s eating me alive, so I’m just going to be out with it. Mr. Beetle is on vacation…with his wife. I hate it. I hate every bit of it. I just don’t know what to think. He’s seriously the one thread keeping me tied together, the one thing keeping me from falling apart. When I found out I cried, which made him cry. He said he didn’t want to go, that he was dreading it, and it may make me stupid, but I believe him.

It’s like…I don’t want to be a fool. And I know I’m probably going to end up in that role. But I’m in such a bad place mentally that I can’t bear to be cut off from my one ally. And it’s not like in a manipulative “you can only count on me” sort of way. Mr. Beetle is, despite what you might think, a really great guy. He treats me better than any other guy I’ve been with and, Christ, I’ve been engaged. I believe him when he says he wants out of his marriage and is going to end it – and I can see for myself that he’s non-confrontational, how that is slowing things up. I mean, he’s met my fucking mom. He came to my house like five or six times in the past weeks following my surgery, driving over an hour each way. Granted, yes, he’s not going about leaving his marriage in a good way and I’m just as guilty of contributing to that. But that’s honestly the one red flag there is about him and to hear him tell it, she’s caused a lot of emotional abuse. I know he’s dealt with some issues – he’s called me crying. He’s got crap self-esteem, even worse than mine which is saying something. And so, again, it may make me foolish, but I believe him.

I’m not even so upset about him being with his wife on vacation as I am about not having him close – not being able to call him or see him. I feel like my support system has vanished for the week. He senses it too, without even being told. He goes out on the beach around six every morning to call me and manages to slip in another two or three calls through the day. Just so I know I’m not alone. A bad person, maybe. But not alone.

Mom and Asshat are leaving in the morning for vacation, so I have the house to myself for a few days. While I once would have found the idea relaxing, now it’s a bit depressing. I don’t know, I’ve just been having a hard time lately.

I graduate next week, so that’s exciting. It’s been a long trip (took twice as long as it should have between two transfers, five majors, two semesters off for internships, and dropping out twice due to depression). I fixed it, though. I’ll walk across that stage with a 4.0, member of two honor societies, seven time President’s List member, and recipient of the Outstanding Student Award. Maybe one day I’ll lay out the narrative of how fucked my college experience has been. If anyone is the poster child of being able to fix fuck-ups with miraculous turnaround, it’s me.

Sorry. As you can probably tell, I’m not in the best mood. It’s not even that anything in particular is wrong, but rather that I just feel weird. It’s some place between anxiety and normal. I told Mom earlier I wasn’t sad, but felt I was going to burst into tears all the same. If I hadn’t have just passed my nine-month mark of no smoking, I surely would have been sucking down two packs a day with how I’ve been feeling. It’s been hard. I’ve wanted to smoke a lot lately. Mr. Beetle gets mad when I don’t tell him I’ve been craving. He likes to talk me through it, make sure I’m okay. He hates that I hold in the urges and suffer a bit.

Anyway, I think that’s enough for now. Trying to get back on a regular schedule. Mine has gotten all out of whack, but Big and Mr. Beetle think it’s an important strategy to curbing my anxiety and general crazy. Who knows?

Good night and until next time,

Dee

When You Realize You Don’t Like Your Parents Anymore

Has anyone else had this moment? Is this normal? I feel like the more I look into it, the more it seems to be a mid-20’s rite of passage. I realized yesterday, with great amounts of bitterness and guilt, that I no longer like my parents.

As shitty as it makes me sound, it was still a hard pill to swallow. My parents that I idolized as a child – my beautiful mom and nerdy father – were never actually quite the people I saw them as. All I see now are glaring faults and flaws which, I know in my heart of hearts, only makes them human. But somehow it feels like I can’t pardon their shortness in my expectations and I can’t escape knowing that makes me a bad person.

I often wonder had they not been divorced whether I would have seen these sides of them I don’t like. The divorce is not a reason I hold against them, but everything comes back to it. Many of these issues of dislike come from their chosen partners. Mom’s still with asshat (if you missed that post, he and I were in a fist fight back in January after he refused to leave when Mom kicked him out). Dad married a complete witch and is the reason I moved out to live with Mom in the first place.

Dad has also changed a lot. Not to open the post up to politics, but to use it as an example, he raised me very liberally. Though I don’t vote on party, but person and principle, I would still say I strongly lean left on most issues. Dad was, too, until he married his wife who is highly conservative. And then he changed. And not only did he change, but he mocks me for being liberal now. When I went on vacation with them in November (days after the election), they both thought it was good fun to turn on Fox News every night as loud as they could stand it. When I would put my headphones in to concentrate on homework, his wife would just laugh and laugh. My father was never like that growing up. He always valued my opinion, even when it differed from his and from that I was taught the same. But now I’m seeing he has some rather deep-seeded issues with his late father that have caused some major self-esteem damage. My dad is a chameleon – he changes who his is to suit the company he holds. In a way I feel sorry for him, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling bitter.

Mom has always been emotionally neglectful, but it wasn’t as obvious until I live an hour away from the rest of our family with only her. Not to mention she’s still dating the man who physically fought me, has driven a wedge between her children/grandchildren and her, and literally has zero appealing qualities. It’s funny because she told Middle on the phone the other day that she loves him, but she told me in the car that she’s never loved anyone. Big, Middle, and I don’t think she really loves us, either – not in the way a mother should. I’m not just saying this to say it, but I really think there’s something wrong with her that stops her from making an emotional connection for us. And don’t get me wrong, she was not a bad mom. We never wanted for anything except attention. She can’t handle crying or emotion. When I was in the beginning stages of the breakdown last summer, I broke down and started sobbing on the back deck one night. Mom just said, “Sorry, babe,” and went inside to watch TV. Anytime I’ve ever needed to talk, she pulls away. Middle and I even had a game once to see who could keep her on the phone for longer than two minutes. It wasn’t a game we scored in very often.

I hope I’m not the only person who has gone through this. It makes me feel like an absolute monster, really. I don’t want to dislike my family. But also, like…I don’t know. I’d kind of like to live five states away again. I was alone for my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, and it was honestly the most peaceful holiday season I’ve ever had.

Have any of you gone through this realization that you don’t like your parents or family? How do you cope with it? The guilt is eating at me. I’m stuck between wanting to live my life my way and my strong sense of family.

Dee

Midnight Update

Sorry I missed updating last week. I got my first assignment for the editing internship, which happened to be a full manuscript. The book was non-fiction and absolutely the worst thing I’ve ever read, but I can’t say much else. I powered through the work and turned it back in.

I’m exhausted. Besides dealing with that edit, I had a big week of homework last week and continued looking for jobs. I found one which is full-time (with some amazing benefits) and applied for it, but they were looking for someone with a bit more experience, I think. I figured it didn’t hurt to try. Put in for two more freelance gigs, but nothing yet.

Last week I did my first assignment for WritersDepartment, which admittedly ended up being a bit of a fiasco, but I got it done and there is $15 waiting in my account. I’ve been assigned another project, but I have like two weeks to get it done.

Saw Mr. Beetle tonight. I actually cried in front of him when he dropped me off. I’m a nervous wreck, I’m having a procedure done Wednesday and have to have twilight sleep done. I’ve never had any sort of thing like that. You could tell he felt bad I was so nervous, but now I feel like an idiot for letting him see me cry. I have a complex about people seeing me! When I was little and would cry, Dad would tell me it was the ugliest face he’d ever seen. It was to try and make me laugh (complete good intentions, my dad is not a cruel person), but still to this day that’s what goes through my head whenever I well up.

Tomorrow I’m going to book the cruise with Big. I’ve got to get up somewhat early to head down there (she lives an hour away). After that we’re taking my youngest niece to play Pokemon Go and then I’m going to record the next episode of my podcast I have with my best friend.

There sure has been a lot going on lately. I feel like I’ll never catch up. Mom says life is always like that. I’ve kept obsessive to-do lists for the past few years and she told me I would never reach the end of it because there is always at least one more thing to be done. I just want to rest. I miss childhood when I wasn’t concerned at all and could just relax.

Sleep well, everyone.

Dee

PS: I’ve lost 8 lbs. in the last week! Back on low-carb/high protein!

Great News!

My first article for Constant Content was rejected! 😉

It actually wasn’t that big of a deal at all. They wanted me to change “earth” to “Earth” (whoops) and reformat another sentence, which in all fairness did read kind of funky on a second glance. Resubmitted and awaiting approval!

Okay, but the real great news – had my interview yesterday for WritersDepartment and was offered a freelance position! That’s geared more toward academic writing (with some business), so I haven’t logged in yet because this weekend I’m going to Dad’s for the holiday. Happy St. Pat’s, by the way!

Even better news? Last night I checked my email and was also offered an editing internship with a publishing house. Guys, I am on FIRE right now. It’s only $50 stipends per edit and lasting 3-6 months, but the experience is what is most important there.

A week ago today, I woke up utterly unemployed. Today I now have two freelance writing gigs and I’m an editing intern for a publishing house.

If you ever wondered how boring I really am in real life, I celebrated this news with a new computer chair and a large Sprite from Wendy’s. I did start my low-carb diet on Monday, but I’ve only half-assed it so far. I mean, other than the Sprite yesterday (and maybe a few Girl Scout cookies…), I did well! In all fairness, I only ever half-ass my diet the first week or two. You know, I’ve got to get used to it! XD

I probably won’t update this weekend as I’ll be out of town and swamped with homework. It’s my last term – that’s what I have to keep telling myself. I just want to be done! And besides that I have to create a schedule for myself to start next week! Ah, this is all so exciting! I hope I get money rolling in soon! Especially since Big is wanting to take a cruise in June!

Oh man, that just made me think of taxes…anyone doing freelance writing or otherwise self-employed? How do you deal with taxes?

Dee

Quick Update

Apparently I’m going on a cruise in June. Big, my oldest sister, wants to go for her birthday in June and since I’m graduating in May, I agreed. I don’t know how I’ll pay for it, but I’ll figure it out. Right now we’re looking toward a cruise which stops in Mexico and Cuba.

I don’t think I mentioned it yet, but I’m having surgery in mid-April and I’m very nervous about it. I’ve never been put out before or even had twilight sleep. After having an EMG on my arm today, I now officially have a carpal tunnel diagnosis. He said it was moderate and it’s being referred back to my doctor, but he suspects it will be rehab and steroid shots at a minimum and possibly surgery. So now I have a possible second surgery on the horizon.

Today Mom and I started our low-carb diet. I forgot how hard the first few days are! I’ve been starving and so has she. Mr. Beetle is also doing low-carb. Except when we see each other – we give ourselves a dinner cheat on those days, so once or twice a week.

Tomorrow is my mock interview and I’m oddly nervous about it. I suck at interviewing.

I want to write more, but I should probably be in bed. Goodnight, lovelies. ❤

Dee

A Good Weekend

I know it’s been a few days, but that’s because I was out of town visiting my dad. Friday, though, I woke up to some good news! Constant Content accepted me as a writer! And WritersDepartment scheduled a phone interview with me!

Both of these are freelance, remote positions. And I’m not sure about WritersDepartment, but I can tell you for sure Constant Content is not something that’s sustainable for full-time income. I’m sure there are a few people who can make a living out of it, but it’s kind of like eBay, I think. Some people can throw themselves at it and live fully from it, but most people just do it for passive income.

Basically through Constant Content, you write articles and blog posts. You can either write about whatever you want or you can fill requests that buyers have submitted. Did I mention you set your own prices? Most articles are 500-600 words and cost about $50. Granted, you only make 65% of the total cost and then you have to figure in your taxes, but you can price accordingly. Some articles even go for over $100.

WritersDepartment is geared more toward academic editing. Not sure of the pay rates yet, but I have a mock interview with my career advisor on Tuesday and actual phone interview on Thursday. Fingers crossed!

Those two emails pretty much set the tone for the weekend. I spent the day chatting it up with strangers at an auction, got my homework finished early, and got a bit of the long term shopping list taken care of.

I submitted my first article to Content Creator and want to wait until it gets the green light before jumping in. I like to test the waters first, make sure I know how everything works.

Letgo and Facebook groups have not been helping me move any of my stockpile. I might try craigslist, but not sure. If anyone had any luck with certain sites, let me know. A lot of the stuff I have is specialty/collector and – as we’re from a tiny town – I think those might do better listed online. I’ll be checking out eBay shortly.

Anyone have any recommendations? A lot of what I have to sell are shoes and clothes brand new with the tags still on them. Other that that I have tons of movies, book, and misc. household items.

Speaking of which, is it too early to start packing things into boxes for future moving? Or too ridiculous that I have a checklist app for when moving? This is besides not even having enough money to even let my eyes land on an apartment, much less rent one. Still, it’s such a pretty thought I can’t help it.

Very tired today, took some sleeping meds. Until next time, loves.

Dee